The Onion @TheOnion America's Finest News Source. Apr. 10, 2019 1 min read

Report: Keep Reading And Nobody Gets Hurt 

Report: It Would Be A Real Shame If Something Were To Happen To You 

Report: You’re Gonna Read This Page Right Fucking Now Or It’ll Be The Last Goddamn Thing You Ever Do 

Breaking: Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, This Got Out Of Hand 

Report: Keep Reading And Nobody Gets Hurt 

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