fooler initiative @metroadlib i reside in va, ride in va, most likely when I die, I'm gon' die in va. Jul. 07, 2018 5 min read

my adderall Rx is $15.00 a month.

just asked the pharmacist how much it'd be id i didn't have insurance.

$183.99.

dawg.

LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT MY REDEEMER.
LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT HOW HE LIVES.

i needed to put my dog's food in my backpack, and i wanted to check my phone....
so, i walked out of the store, and looked over to the tables where the woman was sitting (in front of the ethiopian coffee spot), and considered sitting for a sec to sort everything.

but SOMETHING in me was like, "nah. don't go over there." so i elected to just kinda squat outside of the storefront and get situated there.
i take my phone out of my armband and start going through my texts...

and now i'm in an EVEN BETTER MOOD b/c i see that my friends have decided to play this reduce-my-carbon-footprint game i made up this morning--
and i SUPER FUCKING LOVE IT when my friends indulge my games.

i take my right earbud out.......

and the FIRST word i hear, twitter...

THE FIRST FUCKING WORD I HEAR....

I SWEAR ON EVERYTHING THAT I KNOW AND LOVE....

THE FIRST WORD THAT I HEAR........

AND *LOUDLY*....

is "nigger."

now, i need you to know that she was SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO loud that i didn't even have the option of DELUDING myself into thinking i'd misheard her.
that's how loud she was.

IN A STRIP MALL.

IN FRONT OF AN AFRICAN COFFEE SHOP.

BUT EVEN *HAD* I BEEN ABLE TO *TRICK* MYSELF INTO THINKING I HADN'T HEARD WHAT I *KNEW* I'D HEARD--
not 10 SECONDS LATER, SHE FOLLOWED IT UP WITH.....

"OH. SO JUST LIKE A NIGGER."

she was on her phone in what appeared to be a VERY heated conversation.....
BUT SHE WAS ARGUING........
ON.
SPEAKER...
and she was CLEARLY intent on antagonizing whomever she was talking to, b/c she let her talk for a second before she yelled-

"LIKE A NIGGER. LIKE A NIGGER. WITH A BIG NIGGER NOSE."

now, at this point, i need to tell you that i have been called a "nigger" 3 times to my face.
once, when i was a child.
2 times when i wasn't.
i literally *never* talk about the two times when i was a grown up.

but EACH of those times....
EACH OF THOSE TIMES....

the most *heartbreaking* thing for me was the acute sense of embarrassment it brought me. i don't really know how to explain it to ppl who haven't experienced it.
i think a lot of ppl think they'd react in rage, and perhaps they would...

but i've always just felt so fucking humiliated. b/c it just......i don't know. it's fucking awful.

now, this woman wasn't talking to me. at this point, she is so angrily yelling in her phone, that she doesn't notice me.

and i carry so much rage around, these days (maybe more on this later, idunno), that, in that moment, i just needed someone else to be there, to hear what i was hearing and to like....just...idunno...

and there was fucking NO ONE.

i put my stuff in my backpack, i zip it up, i put it on my back, and i take three deliberate steps in her direction.

i didn't have a plan, i didn't have a speech, i didn't have a "buddy." i didn't have SHIT.
but i could feel my face reddening, & know that i was fucking RAGING.

she tilted her head and realized i was there on maybe my second step.

please know that i am perfectly aware of the situational inappropriateness of this gif, but when she spotted me, she was all:

and i'm standing there mad as shit...
nigger nose and all...
looking at her like-

the woman she was on the phone with was apparently so disgusted that she'd hung up.

so now me and this broad are just looking at each other.

and i don't even know WHAT to say or do b/c ALL i can hear in my head are all the different kinds of "white bitch"

i'm fixin' to call this woman.

like...that's all i can hear in my head.
and i'm staring at her on some "say it again" type shit.

and that's when..........

she looked down at her phone........

pressed some keys....

and the next thing i knew.....

marvin sapp's "never would have made it" is blasting from her phone.

weren't expecting that were you?

yeah.

neither was i.

so now she's looking at me like.....

and i'm like-

as this was happening, whomever she was talking to called her back.

and at THIS POINT i was close enough to hear the woman on speaker...

and SHE was going off about having had to hang up on the lady BECAUSE she was so racist.

at which point the LADY, taking FULL advantage of my presence, said, AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE, "I AM *NOT* A RACIST. I LOVE *EVERYBODY.* BLACK. RED. YELLOW. GREEN. *EVERYBODY.*"

at which point *I* said, "you for damn sure ARE a racist."

then i turned my back to her....
(tweeted y'all)
and walked home.

and like....
the WHOLE way, i was just........sooooooooooo angry b/c of soooooooo many things....
and i felt shame anew....
NOT just b/c of the word...
but b/c i worried my own inclinations towards respectability politics had quieted me when i should have spoken.

idunno man....
it was heavy...
and awful....
2/3 of the way home i had to just sit down on a park bench and fucking cry.
i just...
idunno.

and, look--
i didn't NOT curse her out b/c Jesus told me calming down was the right thing to do.

but the shock of a Jesus song in that moment sufficiently rattled me.
i can't even lie.

i was *entirely* caught off guard.

so the Lamb of God wrapped himself all around the both of us today, I guess.
b/c when i heard that second "nigger" i thought i was gonna throw my whole life away.


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