fooler initiative @metroadlib i reside in va, ride in va, most likely when I die, I'm gon' die in va. Dec. 08, 2018 14 min read

*stretches*
*cracks knuckles.*

good morning, lover.
for you, i've been waiting...

i know it's 8:30 am.
and, in truth, i *do* have hella chores and a *little* bit of work to do...

lol...
but i'm gonna be honest.

this really *does* feel like a dogfish head 120 kinda moment.

i know i should do the right thing, here...
but strong women aren't afraid to make bold choices.

so, yes.
i'm drinking my fancy beer in a modelo glass.

b/c it's probably my favorite one.

the bottle i just opened is nearly 2 years old.
i put it in the fridge 2 days ago...

just in case, you know?

okay.
sorry.
needed to set the mood.
lotta reading ahead.

let me see how the feds wanna handle my baby, mikey opera....

okay...
first things that stand out...
this response memo is 40 pages. (full disclosure, i didn't read cohen's memo. i'm assuming he wrote a bunch of shit about how sorry he was, his childhood trauma, the pressure of his job in a life that quickly spun out of control...

and buttressed the assertions w/a bunch of letters from ppl close to him-family, business partners, and, if his lawyer is anything like me...1-2 rabbis- in support of his contention that the pain he's suffered this last year, and the ongoing pain he's caused his family is

greater than any sentence the court could ever impose. and i'm sure he then highlighted all the help he's been these last 5 mos or so. lol. i've written more than my share of these for state court anddd the feds.) i don't know how long HIS sentencing rec was, but i know this is

long as shit given all the help cohen has provided the feds. which lets me know this cat's offenses were not only egregious...but that his reluctance to "cooperate" fully still sat firmly in the feds' craw. (i'm assuming, here, that the feds asked cohen to do some shit

he was unwilling to do. he was willing to sing a catalog of verdi librettos, but he had a line. wonder what it was.)

LOL...
feds want "substantial" time and a "modest" downward departure from the guidelines.
LMAOOOOOOOO....
they're like, "shave a tiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiny piece of time off. a tiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiny piece."

oh, snap.
we get a little bit of the origin story for how 45 and cohen's hardcore working relationship began.
cohen was living in a trump building and the board of directors wanted to get the name "trump" off of the building.
cohen got involved, convinced a bunch of owners

to back him up, and effectuated a coup, getting rid of the entire board.
this impressed 45 (b/c ooooooooooooof course) and he hired him to be his evp and special counsel. dude made 75,000 in 2006. when trump took him on in 2007, his salary was 500,000 a year.
i'm legit aroused.

let me stop for a moment...
let me pause to reflect on the fact that i CANNOT BELIEVE THIS SHIT IS HAPPENING IN REAL LIFE.

john grisham did NOT prepare me at. all.

y'all.
i'm drinking this 120 and feeling it.
i've erased 3 tweets so far that made GRATUITOUS use of the n-word.

this dude was lazy.
i am sick.

okay. i'm not walking through all of his crimes with you.
i did that shit like 3 mos ago.
i'll spotlight anything new, but we read this part 3 mos ago in the information.

wait.
no.
i lied.
i've explained this before, but it bears repeating.
lol. b/c this motherfucker was FLAGRANT in his tax evasion.
to be CLEAR....
cohen was BORROWING money from lending houses for his business (the taxi medallion jawnt) at an interest rate of FIVE percent.

he THEN loaned HIS taxis (the ones he financed using money borrowed w/a 5% interest rate) to a borrower and charged the borrower an interest rate of TWELVE. PERCENT.

TWELVE. PERCENT.

for context...
that's a LOT.

Jesus would 100% turn over ANY table upon which such a contract was struck.

like, that is table-turning-over-in-the-temple levels of inflation.

cohen deposited the difference in his bank account and his WIFE'S bank account (remember a few mos ago when i told you his wife was complicit as shit. i'm POSITIVE cohen started down this road of disclosure b/c the feds threatened to rope his wife in--and. they. should. have).

he reported none of that WINDFALL to the irs.

something not often mentioned in these things-
cohen told his accountant none of this.
so his accountant is preparing his tax returns and making his own attestations.........
while cohen hoards literal millions of dollars in his wife's bank account.

taxi operator paid cohen 870k to convince cohen to let him use his cabs.

cohen reported 160k to the irs.

..............................

CH.......

in his SENTENCING MEMO, cohen said that attempts to make this some elaborate scheme to defraud the treasury were greatly exaggerated, and that cohen routinely provided all "relevant" income to his accountant.

Y'ALL.

HE TRIED TO BLAME HIS ACCOUNTANT.

wait.

LOLLLLLL.

wait.

i need a second.

wait.

Y'ALL.

wait.

this one time cohen hid some money while using one accountant. then, he took his ppwk to a new accountant. new accountant looked at his shit and WROTE A MEMO saying, "you got $4,250,000 marked as loans receivables in 2012, but ole boy didn't report ANY interest income on

your 2012 returns. this is a problem."

cohen NEVER ADDRESSED the memo. EVER.

until the bill came.

here's what happened.

to be clear...
i FULLY understand why the government wants this fucker to eat some years.

lol.

i had to get up and shovel a few forkfuls of brussels sprouts into my mouth.
lol.

a 120's abv is like 22%.

lol.
FUCK.

okay.

FOR REAL.

i am getting a little bit warm.
and i am NOT walking through the bank fraud again. it's too much. just found the link to the august explanation:

it IS worth nothing, though, for the ELA lovers among you, the delicate and subtle juxtaposition at play while cohen effectuated this ELABORATE, MULTI-level, MULTI-institutional finesse.

on ONE hand, he's telling the irs, "this is all the money that i got. swearsies. there's

NO more," so it won't impose any significant tax burden.
on the OTHER hand, he's telling these banks/lending houses, "look at allllllllllllllllllllllll the money i got," so he can foster faith in his business practices, thereby inducing them to offer him

MORE LINES OF CREDIT, MORE LOANS........

whole time, cohen is paying nickels on his loans b/c these leading financial orgs BELIEVE this criminal, while he's running up the score on the interest obligations of HIS lessees, UNDERREPORTING subsequent windfalls to the irs,

and holding himself out to all who will listen-
as the personal attorney for the president of the gotdamn united states of america.

i ain't never seen no shit like this in my whole life.
hand to God.

okay.
let me get to the campaign part.
sorry.
there's a LOT here.

it's also worth noting that AUSAs are COMPLETE dickholes.
ask anybody.

and not in real life. in real life they're soooooooooo much easier to work with than state prosecutors (b/c they have alllllllllllllllllllllllllllll of the evidence...b/c the feds have been sitting on your case compiling evidence for YEARS. they're NICE as shit).

until you read the filings.

my favorite part is remembering they OPENED this joint telling us "individual 1" became president of the united states.

are you sitting in a khaki seat full of warm piss, @realDonaldTrump? b/c i'd have an ecru colored chino soaked in warm piss if *eye* were individual #1.

b/c these are goddamned felonies.

okay.
i DID link my august breakdown of this cohen shit...
but it's saturday.
i'm 3/4 of the way through a bottle of my favorite beer.
the sun is shining.
i had a productive work week.
and i'm eating these (FIND THESE AT ALDI. it's a moral imperative).

so let me do a cursory overview of why your president and all his heirs and motherfucking assigns should go to fucking jail.

cohen meets with the editor of the NE in 2014 b/c the editor (pecker) knows there are stories about women on the market that will make it difficult for DJT to become president (remember the republican primary season is official in 2015). he offers to catch and kill the story

of one woman (buy the rights--prevent her from selling/telling it elsewhere, and never ever publish it) so that the american public never knows about it (felony). (aside: publisher doesn't tell woman his intent is to catch and kill. he promises to make her famous--

which certainly opens him up to a civil claim of fraud in the inducement on her end). pecker pays her 150k for the rights. cohen buys them from pecker for 125k. he creates a company, "Resolution, LLC" to house the payment (HA. *resolution*). DJT wins the republican primary-

and is in the general, facing off with HRC in october of 2016 ( A *literal* MONTHHHHHHH before the election b/c it's the 8th). NE writes IN AN EMAIL to cohen that there's another broad with a story, and if she breaks it, it'll hurt djt. he's like, you better call her lawyer.

cohen calls the lawyer, negotiates a deal to buy her story for $130g (read as: silence....as in, swearing she won't tell the american public in an attempt to influence a national election...A. CRIME).

*pauses to look out of window into the clear blue sky*.
*considers how much money a billionaire i fucked would have to pay for me to NOT say that i fucked him exactly ONE month before the day of his possible election to the highest elected office in the known world*.

here's what i know.
my number is higher than 130k.
i know *that* much.

imagine paying your trash ass lawyer 33.3% of your 130k quiet-as-it's-kept-i-fucked-a-billionaire-who-might-get-to-be-president money.

lol.

vibrate higher, ladies.

i'm sorry.
i'm trying to focus.
i swear.
lol.
the beer is basically tweeting at this point.
where was i?

cohen DOESN'T WANNA PAY the 130k. so he SITS on this shit until woman 2's lawyer calls him on OCTOBER TWENTY-FIFTH and is like, "I'M SERIOUS, B. I GOT A WOMAN HERE WHO'S FIXIN' TO TELL THE WORLD HOW SOFT THE REPUBLICAN PARTY'S STANDARD-BEARER'S BALLS ARE. SWEAR TO GOD. PAY. HER."

cohen caves. he sets up ANOTHER shell corporation, Essential Consultants (the goddamned nerve), and WIRES money from his *HELOC* line of credit--a heloc he'd ALREADY LIED TO GET in the FIRST PLACE (crime)--from his HELOC ( A HOME. EQUITY. LINE. OF. CREDIT. ON. A. WIRE)-

to the woman's lawyer. and on the line for the WIRE asking the REASON for the transaction, COHEN writes "retainer" fees.

CRIME.

CRIME.
CRIME.CRIME.CRIME.CRIME.CRIME.CRIME.CRIME.CRIME.CRIME.CRIME.CRIME.CRIME.CRIME.CRIME.CRIME.CRIME.CRIME.CRIME.CRIME.CRIME.CRIME.CRIME.CRIME.CRIME.

CRIME.

djt wins (way to fuck it up, @whitesofamerica), and cohen wants his money back.

soooo....djt's company, run by....thaaaaaat's right, his shit-eating , derelict hell-spawn, agree to pay him off for his crimes (ALSO A CRIME), and lie about the reasons for payment.

i will take the liberty of assuming this cast of vine-swinging primates indicated these costs were "legal fees" on any subsequent tax filings.....
and preemptively apply a "CRIME.CRIME.CRIME.CRIME.CRIME.CRIME.CRIME" here.

okay.
we're almost there.

okay.
this last part just outlines why cohen didn't have an official cooperation agreement with the feds....
which, actually brings everything full circle for me.

cohen ONLY wanted to talk about the shit the feds already essentially knew. he provided a great deal of detail, and

filled in gaps, but was unwilling to give the feds a blank check into his entire criminal history.
PLUS, he only came forward when he knew the feds were at his doorstep (apparently his memo suggests that he did so out of the goodness of his heart).
PLUS, EVEN IN his concessions-

he refused to fully own the true degree of his culpability (b/c he's still in this bitch trying to cite the malfeasance of his long-suffering accountant).

the feds DO go out of the way to tout the level of unofficial cooperation cohen afforded the office of the special counsel.

and to that i say, "damnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn."

chile-
they said the assistance cohen provided the office of the special counsel was "significant."

bruh. @realDonaldTrump -
they got your lawyer on cassette tape using "SIGNIFICANT" words to implicate you in a vast international felonious criminal enterprise?

ADJECTIVES, b?!

okay. i'm gonna stop for a second to talk a TEENSY bit about this next part. i'm gonna try not to go into detail, as likely no one other than me gives a shit...

this next part is the government addressing cohen's claims that the probation department miscalculated the guidelines.

so, here's the thing.
crimes carry a statutory sum of punishable years (think 20-life), depending on their designation.

when you go before the court at time of sentencing (on a guilty plea, OR when a judge or jury has FOUND you guilty)--
the court sets aside time for the probation department to look at the extent of your crimes, the victim impact, and the life you led prior...

the probation then plugs all of that shit into a formula, and the sentencing authority ("the guidelines") tell probation how much time you should serve w/in that statutory framework.
sometimes the guidelines are like "give this bastard 20 years."

sometimes the guidelines are like, "awww...give him a teensy bit of time. he's never fucked up before, no one was really hurt, and he had a really shitty childhood."
if your lawyer LIKES the recs, he's all, "go with the guidelines, your honor. they ARE the authority."

if your lawyer HATES the recs, he tries to convince the prosecutor to agree to a DOWNWARD departure from the guidelines (i.e. less time than the statute AND probation think is necessary).
lol.
if your lawyer HATES the recs, but has NOOOOOO ground to stand on...

say like--
if you happen to be a rat bastard who has lived a perfectly normal life, enjoyed the spoils of whiteness to the nth degree, potentially facilitated a fraud on the american public the likes of which it's never seen (and admittedly engaged hostile international

actors in so doing)--for NO other discernible reason than your virulent, abject greed--
well, THENNNNNN you say the probation office fucked up in its calculations...
and argue that its grouping were not *mandatory* but *discretionary*, and therefore unduly harsh...

and not-befitting of the circumstances.

lol.
which is what cohen's lawyers did here.

the government rejoined with, "sure...they're not *mandatory*. but cohen's a prick. so the groupings are APPROPRIATE. these guidelines are fine as a motherfucker."

also worth noting...
the guidelines have enhancements built in...
for when a person has done something particularly egregious, like use his superpowers intended for GOOD for ill.
courts HATE that.

and DOWN goes mikey opera.
abused superpower: lawyerdom.

YOOO.

the feds are like, "REAL AMERICANS AND CONSERVATORS OF THIS NATION'S SACROSANCT ELECTIONS PROCESS WERE OUT IN THESE STREETS, WERE WORKING THESE PHONE BANKS, WERE PUTTING FLYERS ON THE WINDSHIELDS OF COUPE DEVILLES AFTER THE LET OUT. YOU WERE FUCKING CHEATING."

1. look at the secret recording he made of HIMSELF being used in the gov't's sentencing memo (s/o to richard milhous nixon).
2. those trump kids are getting innnnndiiiicTED.
3. swear 'fo God. don't you EVER put my tweets in the footnotes of a federal criminal filing, dawg.

wait.

realmente.
necesito.
un.
poco.
de.
tiempo.

ESPERE.
POR.
FAVOR.

ESPERE.

i need to say this in COMPLETE seriousness.

i CANNOT believe the president has not had this man killed.

everything my parents told me about new york was a lie.

brief synopsis of the gov't's arguments for the next few pages:

truly.
how. fucking. DARE. you.

now's as good as time as any to remind everyone that michael cohen's memorandum in support of sentencing to the court asked for...................

ZERO jail time.

government says sentencing cohen to significant time would send a message to other would-be tax evaders, and thereby act as a deterrent.

(i super hate this argument always. it's true in exactly 2 instances.)

this dude COULD NOT WAIIIIIIT to be like, "Rapper Black only did a year!"
1. the judge in that case made a point of saying ALL of these cases warrant jail.
2. tax evasion is ALL dmx did. you perpetrated frauds on a hundred banks AND THE AMERICAN GODDAMNED PUBLIC.

THE TEMERITY TO BRING EARL SIMMONS' NAME INTO THIS SHIT.
THE. UNMITIGATED, UNABASHED GALLLLLLLL.

EARL SIMMONS MADE AN ENTIRE SECOND VERSE OF A RAP CLASSIC USING NOTHING BUT NAMES.

NAMES.

NAMES, B.

you think you're fucking earl fucking simmons, mike?

"brenda, latisha, linda, felicia-
dawn, leshaun, ines, & alicia-
teresa, monica, sharon, nikki-
lisa, veronica, karen, vicky.
cookie? well i met her in a ice cream parlor/
tonya, diane, lori & carla-"

YOU THINK YOU CAN EFFECTUATE THAT LEVEL OF GENIUS, MIKE?
ON. DRUGS.
FUCK YOU.

HAVE YOU EVER. EVER. EVER. EVER. EVERRRRRRRRRRRRR.

heard the name "ines" in a rap song?

EVER?

NO.

NO, YOU HAVEN'T.

save the ONE TIME that EARL SIMMONS DID IT.

and you'll NEVER hear it again.

don't you EVER compare yourself to earl simmons.

okay.
the government just spends the next 3 pages telling michael cohen all the reasons why his lawyers are super trash at reading case law.
then he talks about all the times that he lied. and all the info he WOULDN'T give up.
and all the times he downplayed his shit.

they concluded by repeated that the court should impose a "substantial period of incarceration...."

but shave a teeeeeeeeensy bit of time off the top.

for context,
approximately this much;

*repeatING.

sorry.

beer


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