The Onion @TheOnion America's Finest News Source. Feb. 21, 2019 2 min read

The Onion's Guide To The Oscars 

Lady Gaga's biggest influence is probably her fans or some bullshit like that. 

Olivia Colman, nominated for 'The Favourite,' has appeared in 280 separate British television shows for a total of 290 episodes. 

With seven nominations and no wins, Glenn Close currently holds the record for the most cut-to reaction shots of her pretending to look happy for other people. 

Melissa McCarthy is nominated for portrating Lee Israel, the real-life author who illegally defrauded her way into being portrayed in an Oscar-nominated film. 

Yalitza Aparicio had zero acting experience before 'Roma,' which really shows you what a crock of shit the whole profession is. 

For 'Bohemian Rhapsody,' Rami Malek deeply immersed himself in the role of a man who knows nothing about Bryan Singer’s pedophilia allegations. 

The biggest challenge on the set of 'A Star Is Born' for Bradley Cooper was the difficulty of creating great acting while working under a middling director. 

Christian Bale's warm-up acting technique is berating whoever happens to be within a 35-foot radius. 

Willem Dafoe is nominated for portraying Vincent Van Gogh if he was 62 when he died instead of 37. 

Viggo Mortensen's biggest career challenge was having to call Peter Jackson and tell him how much he enjoyed the ‘Hobbit' movies. 

Can the Academy successfully deprive Spike Lee of a win? 

Previous films for 'Cold War' director Pawel Pawlikowski include 'Polish People Crying Together In Black-And-White,' 'Forlorn Slavic People During The 1980s,' and 'Depressed Times From The Wall.’ 

Yorgos Lanthimos's career highlight was getting to boss that rude Irish fuck Colin Farrell around on the set of 'The Lobster.’ 

Adam McKay's smartest career move was forgetting to respond to a text from Will Ferrell asking if he wanted to direct 'Holmes & Watson.’ 

Alfonso Cuarón's aspiration is to someday cash in, direct one of those American Express commercials, and never have to aggravate himself making these stupid make-believe stories again. 

'Bohemian Rhapsody' follows Queen singer Freddie Mercury as he struggles with the difficult and courageous decision to get AIDS. 

'Vice' will be remembered for this defining line: “Wow, 9/11! I can’t believe we actually pulled it off! The heist of the century!” 

Like all the nominees for Best Picture, 'Green Book' stands a one in eight chance of winning. 

'Black Panther' tells the heartbreaking story of a white arms dealer who is tragically killed after getting mixed up in the political struggles of an African nation. 

As the objective best film of 2018, 'Roma' will most likely leave the Oscars empty-handed. 

The consensus among Academy members is that Spike Lee, director of 'BlacKkKlansman,' should just be happy being nominated. 

'A Star Is Born' may be popular among Academy voters who believe rewarding it with Best Picture may be the only way to end the ceaseless deluge of remakes. 

Starring Olivia Colman, Emma Stone, and Rachel Weisz, 'The Favourite' is this year’s British one. 

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