<MAKE IT DUMBER HEARING>
Sen. LEGHORN (R-LA): Did Mueller change their conclusions they say they didn't make?
LEGHORN: NO COLLUSION, RIGHT?
BARR: RIGHT? AMIRITE?
LEGHORN: So they totally found no collusion at all, even though they said that's not true.
BARR: Yes. Absolutely. They didn't find evidence of Eurasia existing.
LEGHORN: He's angry about the letter where he said there's no Russia.
BARR: Yeah, weird. I don't know why.
LEGHORN: But now he's happy because the report is out saying no collusion?
BARR: Right. There is nothing here. And I'm charge of everything. Everywhere.
LEGHORN: Mueller just cares about HuffPost and Gizmodo, right?
BARR: Yes. Not because I tried to bullshit the world about what's blatantly obvious.
BARR: I'm not in the business of summaries, even though I released a summary. That isn't a summary.
LEGHORN: Why didn't they just arrest Trump themselves after all that time?
BARR: Yeah, those guys are weird? What are they up to? I don't get them.
LEGHORN: The FBI is really the same as Drudge Report. So why did Drudge Report start the counterintelligence report? Maybe just dump out all the TS intel? Redact it or something.
KLOBUCHAR: So you bullshitted us on Mueller's letter. We'll have him testify. Anyhow: HOW ABOUT RUSSIA ATTACKING US, YOU DOUCHENOZZLE? CAN WE MAYBE TALK ABOUT DEMOCRACY?
BARR: Election security? What's that?
KLOBUCHAR: Russian intel attacked us. They're taint-deep in Florida. Gonna brief the Senate?
KLOBUCHAR: Can we nail down the whole foreign Facebook ad thing.
BARR: I guess.
KLOBUCHAR: Is obstruction of justice obstructiony, and illegal?
BARR: Nah, not if he's president. Subornation of perjury is totes cool! We cannot prove that Donald Trump ever did things that he did.
KLOBUCHAR: He promised to bail Manafort out.
BARR: Yeah, that's not obstruction.
KLOBUCHAR: DID YOU GO TO FUCKING LAW SCHOOL?
BARR: POTUS can say anything. Nothing means anything. Everything is everything in every case, and there is no such thing as evidence.
KLOBUCHAR: Yeah, that stuff with Cohen was totally innocent, moron.
KLOBUCHAR: Do you think tampering with witness and using your office to fire people investigating you counts as obstruction?
BARR: 18 U.S. Code was canceled on Netflix. Maybe it's on Amazon Prime? Maybe Hulu.
BARR: MY CLIENT IS INNOCENT!
SASSE: Deripaska. What about him?
BARR: I CAN'T TALK ABOUT HIM OR GOOGLE HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
SASSE: So, you don't know he's sanctioned and you don't have fucking Google? He's a fucking Mobster. Manafort was paid by him. Still not collusion, asshole? It's collusion, you dick. You're betraying America, BTW, you hack. Also can we defend against hostile intel, asshole?
BARR: What do you mean by "attack" "America" being "illegal?" Huh? Wha?
SASSE: RUSSIA AND CHINA MOTHERFUCKER DO YOU NOT GET BRIEFINGS, DICK? CAN THEY RUN OUR FUCKING CAMPAIGNS OR NOT, DOUCHE?
BARR: (OMFG) Yeah. Sure. Why not?
SASSE: REALLY, FARA AGENTS CAN RUN OUR DEMOCRACY FOR CHINA AND UKRAINE, FUCKHEAD?
BARR: Yeah, doesn't sound so bad. Why are you so uptight, bro? Also I worked for a law firm that represents foreign powers.
SASSE: You are a dick and the political parties need to get their shit together with respect to employing spies. Or talking with enemies during POTUS transitions?
BARR: Yeah...spies...there are spies...we should do something about that.
SASSE: Thanks, you completely suck and I can't wait to never see your face again.
COONS (D-ATTORNEY): So Trump tried to fire Bobby Three Sticks. You're kind of Trump's defense attorney. We need to hear from Mueller. He knows Trump tried to fire him twice. That was kind of obstructiony, right? It wasn't in your letter to us.
You can follow @ericgarland.
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