Charity Majors @mipsytipsy CTO @honeycombio, ex-Parse, Facebook, Linden Lab; cowrote Database Reliability Engineering; loves whiskey, rainbows. I test in production and so do you. 🌈🖤 May. 06, 2019 4 min read

I can answer this! They never get done. I have never washed a single dish while partnered to a man.

I perversely rather enjoy watching them figure out that not only will I not clean up after them or nag them, but I am far more oblivious to mess than they are.

This thread is an excellent one, spurred by this NYT article,  https://www.nytimes.com/2019/05/04/opinion/sunday/men-parenting.html  which makes a compelling argument that progressive men are cockblocking equality with their passive aggressive resistance to household chores.

I have... feelings.

First, this is men's problem to fix. Get it the fuck together, men.

Shame each other for shitty behavior. Make it a point of pride and braggadicio when you carry 65% of the load. Make it a competition to see which of you can free up the baddest woman the most.

I swear that's the only way anything is going to change. And so, dear straight women -- a group with which I still automatically identify, however dubious in fact -- here is my relationship advice.

Stop having straight relationships.

Straight relationships are the WORST. You are never going to win.

It doesn't matter how "nice" the boy is. The institution was created for the sole purpose of ensuring your domestic servitude and the propagation of patriarchal wealth.

The only way to win is not to play. Have a queer relationship.

And I don't mean just fuck women. ...Although seriously, have you tried fucking women? Like seriously, don't just give up and wimp out after the first one or ten. Everything worth doing takes practice.

Think about what you're attracted to, apart from gender. If it's masculine energy or topping or a big dick, allow me to assure you that those come in woman models too (and they are often better at using them.)

Also think hard about what you desire in a life partner. Note any ways this may not match, or may even conflict with who you are attracted to.

Is there any reason other than habit for these to be the same person?

Think of life partners as persistent storage. Change is very disruptive and requires lots of fault tolerance checking and consensus for all nodes serving traffic.

If others rely on you, you need to be extremely cautious about breaking changes.

Romantic, sex, and fun play partners are your stateless services. These feelings and experiences are juicy, they make life sparkle, and they are also much more ephemeral than, say, raising a kid for 18 years (which often extinguishes your desire for your partner, I am told.

Have we learned nothing? It is never a good idea to cram stateless and stateful workloads together.

The cool thing about queer relationships is that you always start more or less from scratch, as equals. You have to negotiate your roles, as equals. You have to introspect.

You have to use your words and ask for what you want, which means you have to know what you want.

This is why queers have better sex, too. (Obviously.). Most straight people are scared shitless to actually say what they want. Queers don't have a choice. There's no script.

I'm pretty straight, but I have soooooo much baggage around gender roles from growing up fundamentalist. The first time I was in a queer relationship, it blew me away how simple it felt.

Same for poly. When you don't make one human be your ALL N'FOREVER, you are free together.

So yeah. Try fucking other women. It grows on you. 😉. Try decoupling your stable home life and coparenting pod from your sex and fun partners.

If you *must* fuck men, relegate them to play partners with low expectations unless they prove themselves worthy.

Assume they are not, because most men aren't. It's too sweet a scheme they have been running their whole lives.

If you want to marry them despite all evidence to the contrary, at least get it in writing. You get all the assets if they don't do half the work? Seems fair.

As a postscript, I confess that I feel guilty writing about this because if I was a dude, my behavior would absolutely not be something I would be okay with.

I am the partner who doesn't help around the house, who has low standards, etc. As described in the article to a T.

In fact, I have a stay at home spouse who cares for all my needs while co-parenting twins. I am the drunk uncle who still can't remember their names nearly 5 years in.

We negotiated everything and we are both very happy with it, but the day they stop being happy, it changes.

Let me tell you, it is a *sweet deal* to have a stay home spouse. I get why dudes don't want to give up the perk of having someone care for everything.

If I were a dude I don't think it morally acceptable. But I'm not. So I pay them a salary and sit with my mild discomfort.


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