CANDIDATE 1: *mistakes NATO for OPEC
MEDIA: not your usual beltway wonk
CANDIDATE 2: *repeats neo Nazi rhetoric*
MEDIA: connects with the working class
CANDIDATE 3: *uses racist slurs*
CANDIDATE 4: *is a woman*
MEDIA: whoa! is America ready for THIS?
VOTER: I'm not sexist. I'll vote for a man OR a woman, I just want the most qualified candidate
CANDIDATE 4: *exhaustively details 12 separate policies*
VOTER: You try WAY too hard, lady.
CANDIDATE 1: *belches sexist joke*
VOTER: Now this is a guy I could get a beer with
VOTER: my thing is, don't make it ABOUT being a woman—like give me another reason, I hate identity politics
CANDIDATE 4: *89 more policies, each bolder than the first*
VOTER: you were a woman the whole time you said all that
CANDIDATE 4: ...
VOTER: Just blatantly female
CANDIDATE 4: *speaks*
VOTER: look I’m not sexist but can you imagine listening to that voice for four years
CANDIDATE 1: *has a voice that sounds like a hobo farting in a mud puddle*
VOTER: what I like about him is he doesn’t sound like other politicians
CANDIDATE 1: *100 recent scandals, 80 of them crimes*
CANDIDATE 4: *1 scandal from 18 years ago*
MEDIA: let’s do 100 articles on each of them, about their scandals
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