A.R. Moxon (Julius Goat) @JuliusGoat Novelist—THE REVISIONARIES coming 12/3/19 tinyurl.com/yxkldcx7 Newsletter: tinyletter.com/ARMoxon Blog: armoxon.com/ He/him May. 28, 2019 1 min read

CANDIDATE 1: *mistakes NATO for OPEC
MEDIA: not your usual beltway wonk

CANDIDATE 2: *repeats neo Nazi rhetoric*
MEDIA: connects with the working class

CANDIDATE 3: *uses racist slurs*
MEDIA: unconventional!

CANDIDATE 4: *is a woman*
MEDIA: whoa! is America ready for THIS?

VOTER: I'm not sexist. I'll vote for a man OR a woman, I just want the most qualified candidate

CANDIDATE 4: *exhaustively details 12 separate policies*

VOTER: You try WAY too hard, lady.

CANDIDATE 1: *belches sexist joke*

VOTER: Now this is a guy I could get a beer with

VOTER: my thing is, don't make it ABOUT being a woman—like give me another reason, I hate identity politics

CANDIDATE 4: *89 more policies, each bolder than the first*

VOTER: you were a woman the whole time you said all that


VOTER: Just blatantly female

CANDIDATE 4: *speaks*

VOTER: look I’m not sexist but can you imagine listening to that voice for four years

CANDIDATE 1: *has a voice that sounds like a hobo farting in a mud puddle*

VOTER: what I like about him is he doesn’t sound like other politicians

CANDIDATE 1: *100 recent scandals, 80 of them crimes*

CANDIDATE 4: *1 scandal from 18 years ago*

MEDIA: let’s do 100 articles on each of them, about their scandals

“America just isn’t ready for you!”
“Then they’d better get ready.”

You can follow @JuliusGoat.


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