michaelharriot+ Your Authors @michaelharriot Sr. Writer at theroot.com/, board-certified Wypipologist, master race-baiter. His pen is mightier than your sword. Last real Negus alive Jun. 27, 2019 2 min read + Your Authors

Thread: Eff the debates. Imma just translate what the candidates are saying into what I hear

Beto: Hey Hispanic people, I took Spanish in the 10th grade so I ain’t gonna answer the question, I’mma just say shit in Espanyol!

Corey Booker: I’m the only person on stage ho lives around black people.

Elizabeth Warren: Here is a detailed plan for every question. I know y’all gonna vote for the white boy but y’all got me in the JV debate so I’m ‘bout to son these fools.

Klobuchar (In voice of Charlie Brown’s teacher): Wonh Wonh Wonh Wonh

Elizabeth Warren: I’m smarter than everybody here! If I wouldn’t have told people I was from the Wypiopho tribe, I’d be crushing this shit!

Beto O’Rourke: I don’t know shit and I’m not gonna answer your question but I’m gonna say it real slow and go over time.

Deblasio: Hol’ up Beto...

Tulsi Gabbard: I’m just happy to be here. I’m not gonna say shit interesting or profound.

Booker: Before I answer your question, let me say one more time, I live around black people.

Warren: Facts

Jay Inslee: I’m the only candidate who... Look, I’m white.

Klobuchar: Jay, youre the only candidate who fought for women’s right to control their body?

Sir, I have a VAGINA!

Elizabeth Warren: Facts

Booker: Screw these pharmaceutical companies! Especially in communities like mine, which I must remind you, contains black people.

Beto: when does the Bachelorette hand me the flower?

This is the rose ceremony, right?

Jose Diaz-Balart: I just wanna roll some Rs for a few minutes

Booker: I’mma pander in Puerto Rican

Castro: Section 1325... see I know shit.

Deblasio: I know I look like Mayonnaise Frankenstein but I’m an American, not a monster.

Beto: Oh shit, we’re really doing this Spanish thing? On day one, I would...

Castro: Beto’s bullshitting. He don’t know shit bout Section 1325, tho...

Beto: I do! But I wanna rewrote immigration laws. I know I’m a congressman and haven’t tried to do it, but I just came up with this when you mentioned Section 1325

Klobuchar: I am willing to look at this immigration thing Castro is talking about but I propose doing a lot of things to address things that affects things

Wait, who the fuck is this Tim Ryan dude and where did he come from? Did he sneak on stage?

Aight, let him talk about kids laying in snot. (Huh?)

Booker: I visited private prisons because I want to deal with the problems of the people I live around.

Did I mention those people are black?

You can follow @michaelharriot.


Tip: mention @threader_app on a Twitter thread with the keyword “compile” to get a link to it.

Enjoy Threader? Sign up.

Since you’re here...

... we’re asking visitors like you to make a contribution to support this independent project. In these uncertain times, access to information is vital. Threader gets 1,000,000+ visits a month and our iOS Twitter client was featured as an App of the Day by Apple. Your financial support will help two developers to keep working on this app. Everyone’s contribution, big or small, is so valuable. Support Threader by becoming premium or by donating on PayPal. Thank you.

Follow Threader