NADLER: You wrote the DaVinci Code of judicial reports, which is like diving by zero. Vol. 1 was about Russian interference, Vol. 2 was about how they obstructed like morons.
You have said that they are all guilty as balls.
NADLER: And you even turned this over to Congress rather that indict everyone's ass, which must kill you not to indict everyone except for Malia Obama. Rock on.
COLLINS: Golly, Russia doesn't like us, but there wasn't anything there there, there there. I read two pages of the book, and Russia doesn't exist. Maybe there was a hack, but Russia does not in fact exist.
COLLINS: The President was totally understandable in declaring himself innocent, which is how that works. Also, the FBI: WHAT'S UP WITH THAT? THEY INVESTIGATE? ERRYONE?
That is bad.
COLLINS: Every American has a right to free speech and innocence. So does everyone in every other country where there are people who want to take part in our elections.
COLLINS: I wish I could be at home with my kids BUT THERE IS A BORDER CRISIS and nothing ever happened, ever, no Russia, no elections, no problems.
NADLER: Thank you, moron. Welcome Bobby Three Sticks, eternal American badass. I will now swear him in.
MUELLER: I hereby swear I am a badass.
MUELLER: Yo. Yes, Russians (and others) messed in our election. We investigated. Really well. And we also investigated Americans trying to stop us.
MUELLER: We didn't leak anything. We charged 30 people...SO FAR. Including, for example RUSSIAN MILITARY OFFICERS, so it was time for some game theory, actually, you assholes.
MUELLER: Russia interfered their asses off like never before with our democracy.
There is no such thing as collusion, legally, but boy a bunch of people lied about it.
MUELLER: We decided not to prosecute, for reasons.
Prosecutors don't normally testify WHEN THERE ARE ONGOING TREASONWEASELS TO POTENTIALLY INDICT.
MUELLER: Bob Barr wants to limit me. LOL. Like to discuss how we had been on these traitors way before I was appointed. It's OK. FBI and DOJ will tell you later.
MUELLER: You want to limit me to the report? Awesome! Did you read it? It's crushing. We meant every word.
I have no comment on Barr, as nobody likes to hear his name or look at him.
MUELLER: I want to thank the patriotic members of our team, who are the most awesome professionals ever.
Russia messed with the wrong country. Let's rock.
NADLER: No collusion?
MUELLER: Are you kidding? 😂🖕⚖️
NADLER: Seriously, no collusion.
MUELLER: *laser eyes* *internal laughter* No.
NADLER: No obstruction.
MUELLER: LOL. Actually, I never LOL. No, not no obstruction.
NADLER: What do you mean?
MUELLER: He was not not guilty.
NADLER: So he actually obstructed in a lot of ways.
MUELLER: What you said. Page 7. Volume 2.
NADLER: So you weren't allowed to call it obstruction.
MUELLER: Yeah, we didn't indict because of that OLC opinion.
NADLER: But you could indict later?
MUELLER: HELL YEAH.
NADLER: Did Trump refuse to be interviewed?
MUELLER: Yes. He's a pussy.
NADLER: You ask him about obstruction?
MUELLER: Yup. He's a pussy and wouldn't talk.
NADLER: Well, he's fucked. Talk to my idiot colleague.
COLLINS: You said you wouldn't say things. Did you quit your job?
MUELLER: Yes, idiot.
COLLINS: Did you employ people who knew stuff?
COLLINS: Did you investigate with warrants and stuff?
MUELLER: Uh, yes.
COLLINS: SO THERE'S NO THERE THERE THERE.
COLLINS: YOU ADMITTED THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS COLLUSION ACCORDING TO 18 US CODE TRUMP TWEETS!
COLLINS: SO YOU ADMIT THERE IS NO RUSSIA AND I AM TALKING SO FAST I CITE VOLUME 1 - 18 US CODE WE DON'T HAVE TO GO TO PRISON IF I TALK FAST ENOUGH AND YELL WE ARE NOT GOING TO JAIL
LOFGREN: We're here to talk obstruction, but Russia interfered in our election, right?
MUELLER: Through computers? Yup. That was the Russian government.
LOFGREN: Manafort helped target Midwestern votes with Russian spies, right?
LOFGREN: Who asked them to share data with Russian spies?
MUELLER: Check the report.
LOFGREN: Wow, we should unredact that!
LOFGREN: Who was the Russian effort designed to help?
MUELLER: Trump. 🔥
LOFGREN: And Trump liked it?
MUELLER: Ya think?
LOFGREN: We counted 126 contacts with Russians during the election.
LOFGREN: Trump's campaign was working directly with Russians to target the 2016 election many times. Wow, that is f**ked.
RATCLIFFE: Which policy says that you can not exonerate someone who is not guilty by way of exonerated policy not guilty determined exoneration you can't exist there is no thing where Trump existed or was.
(EG Note: This man is the LeBron James of bullshit 😂)
FAULKNER: There are policies and legislations of counsels of speciality where there's a Volume 1 or 2 when you ready for sleep you empty yourself you decline prosecution Yawknapathatka County sound and fury
JACKSON LEE: Manafort worked with Russian mutual**kin' spies, so let's get back to that. Volume 2: So you saw obstruction.
MUELLER: Which of the 29,399 examples?
JACKSON LEE: There are only eight bajillion acts of obstruction correct? Here just a million.
MUELLER: Messed up, isn't it?
JACKSON LEE: Is four bajillion acts of obstruction enough?
MUELLER: Usually. Read the report.
JACKSON LEE: Trump was obstructing to save his own ass, correct?
JACKSON LEE: Obstruction puts your ass in jail, right?
SENSENBRENNER: There are statutes that you SHALL do things and didn't you not do things? ISN'T THAT THE CASE?
SENSENBRENNER: Well, why did you investigate if you were going to not indict because we would have complained about that too ISN'T THAT FISHING? AND YOU HAD 302 INTERVIEWS FROM THE FBI? You went fishing!
FAULKNER: When Jim came up the road with a hum hum hum and I looks up the creek the creek I always love fishing in the creek the creek Clinton Monica impeachment the creek hum hum Volume 2.
MUELLER: We did our job.
FAULKNER: The sounds come out the words the words the words impeachment Starr the stars
and that's my time.
COHEN: You are a rock star. How did Trump react to your work. Did you read "OMG my president over, I'm fucked"?
MUELLER: Hmm. Sounds familiar.
COHEN: Sessions recused.
COHEN: Sessions should have recused, right?
COHEN: And Trump freaked out?
COHEN: Trump tried to get Sessions back, calling him multiple times and at home?
COHEN: Flynn flipped, and Trump AGAIN leaned on Sessions>
COHEN: Trump told Sessions he was supposed to protect him?
COHEN: Is the AG supposed to be a Mob consigliere?
COHEN: So Trump obstructed his balls off. You're a rock star. I'm out.
CHABOT: Well, clearly there's nothing there there, and Democrats are so angry.
There's nothing here, but let's pretend The Dossier is an intel community product.
MUELLER: Like I give a shit about contractors. I was DIRFBI for 12 years.
CHABOT: Why wasn't the Dossier in the report?
MUELLER: It has nothing to do with us, asshole.
CHABOT: Isn't it true Fusion GPS also worked for Russia?
MUELLER: Who fucking cares.
CHABOT: Didn't Glenn Simpson work for Russians? Anyhow let me mispronounce Veselnitskaya 19 times.
MUELLER: Who fucking cares. Ask DOJ.
CHABOT: Trump's team met with Veselnitnotgonnaworkhereanymore. Isn't Hillary guilty?
JOHNSON: Trump tried to get you fired through Don McGahn, right?
JOHNSON: They said you had conflict, but even mobbed up Don McGahn wouldn't fire you because he's not that dumb, right?
JOHNSON: Once Trump was under investigation for obstruction, his executive shitter tweets were off the hook, yes?
JOHNSON: Did the president ask Don McGahn to fire you a bunch of times? Through Rosenstein? And he wasn't that stupid, yes?
GOHMERT: You and Jim Comey were secret lovers.
MUELLER: No, we worked for the DOJ.
GOHMERT: PETER STRZOK! HE HATED TRUMP!
GOHMERT: DIDN'T YOU KNOW?
MUELLER: I got him off the team immediately.
DEUTCH: McGahn wasn't stupid enough to do this and quit, correct? He called Priebus and Bannon and told him to do "crazy shit." And he's mobbed up. Dude. Was he being straight?
DEUTCH: Why did he want you fired, what with your ability to put him in prison for eternity?
MUELLER: Jeez, no idea.
DEUTCH: Wow, it's like he was messing with justice just to save his own ass. That seems, like, really wrong. And wouldn't most people go to jail from that? And weren't you BARRED from indicting Trump? I'm out.
ROBY: Did you redact redactions redacting redactions?
ROBY: Did you change the report after Barr came on board to cover up I mean as Attorney General?
ROBY: There were a lot of people who worked on this investigation. So you didn't do everything yourself.
MUELLER: That's why you have multiple people working together on things.
BASS: So we have five episodes of obstruction. He attempted to fire the entire DOJ and all of the FBI and close law schools, correct?
MUELLER: Something like that.
BASS: For example, McGahn was asked to fire you. Trump's personal attorney then told McGahn to deny Trump asked him to fire you?
BASS: Didn't he ask Rob Porter to get McGahn to deny what he had asked WH Counsel to do?
BASS: The President told McGahn in the Oval Office to lie, right?
BASS: Generally, forcing witnesses to lie is a crime. I'm out.
GYM JORDAN: FBI COUNTERINTELLIGENCE - INVESTIGATING COUNTERINTELLIGENCE.
SIR AT LONG LAST HAVE YOU NO DECENCY? Why didn't you charge the guy who disappeared? And can I watch him in the shower?
MUELLER: Get bent.
GYM JORDAN: THIS WHOLE THING STARTED IN 2016 WITH A SINGLE MALTESE GUY. HE INVENTED RUSSIA AND YOU WON'T INDICT MALTA? AND I CAN'T EVEN WATCH HIM IN THE SHOWER!
And you keep running counterintelligence investigations. You disgust.
NADLER: We're gonna give Bobby Three Sticks a break from these treasony morons.
RICHMOND: So Trump said McGahn couldn't resign because of his totally illegal-ass acts, because McGahn thought it was messed up, yes?
RICHMOND: So Trump was committing obstruction to save his own ass?
MUELLER: Well. Pretty much.
RICHMOND: So Trump was upset that McGahn told the truth to law enforcement?
MUELLER: Mobsters are like that.
GAETZ: My BAC is only 1.3 so WHY DIDN'T YOU INDICT THE DOSSIER OR MI-6 OR RUSSIA?
MY BOYFRIEND ROGER STONE IS INDICTED AND YOU WON'T EVEN INDICT UKRAINE OVER THE DOSSIER!
GAETZ: I PRONOUNCED VESELNITSKAYA CORRECTLY, SO WHY DID YOU NOT CHARGE RUSSIA FOR LYING? STEELE AND RUSSIA LIED TO HATE TRUMP. RUSSIA HATES TRUMP!
MUELLER: Ask DOJ. You'll be getting to know them real soon, you twerp.
GAETZ: ISN'T IT TRUE THE RUSSIANS - WHO ARE TOTALLY NOT RUNNING THE MOB IN FLORIDA - HATE TRUMP. ALSO - STRZOK. AND YOU WON'T INDICT RUSSIANS even though you did.
MUELLER: Strzok worked for us, yes.
JEFFRIES: Obstruction involves acts to mess with a law enforcement investigation, yes? And trying to fire the guy investigating you is obstruction, yes?
JEFFRIES: He tweeted that he knew he was under investigation and asked McGahn to fire you, yes?
MUELLER: We've been over this.
JEFFRIES: To indict this bastard, you need corrupt intent, yes? And isn't that what Trump had?
MUELLER: Well, he's a Mobster, so.
JEFFRIES: So obstruction.
MUELLER: I'm not not not agreeing or disagreeing with you that he a Mobster.
BUCK: I guess you're an American hero with the Marine and lifetime of public service. But I think you're a dick. You investigated a person and then respected the institutions of democracy and you're a dick. Poor Mike Flynn!
BUCK: Comey wasn't an even an employee of DOJ or an attorney. Flynn wasn't even a witness to the things he witnessed! So why are you even here to talk?
BUCK: You indicted Russia and you didn't indict Trump, which you had no right to do, but why didn't you?
MUELLER: OLC opinion.
BUCK: What about after he leaves office?
MUELLER: F**K YEAH.
CICILLINE: Five episodes of obstruction. What about Corey Lewandowski when he met with the president two days after he tried to get McGahn fire you. He tried to get get Lewandowski to get Sessions to fire you.
CICILLINE: So he tried to get a private citizen to get Sessions to fire you?
CICILLINE: Even attempting obstruction is still a crime, right?
CICILLINE: And Trump asked Lewandowski to tell Sessions if he wouldn't fire you, Sessions would be fired?
(EG Note: Do you see how Mueller is allowing Congress to read facts into the record, that it's not a Deep State conspiracy, but elected officials dealing with facts? It protects democracy in the future. Very wise and careful.)
BIGGS: When did you come to the conclusion that Russia does not in fact exist?
MUELLER: Nice try.
BIGGS: You decided a long time ago that Russia doesn't exist and neither does Queens, New Jersey, or the Mob, right?
MUELLER: You are adorable.
BIGGS: Isn't it true that you have discussed justice matters with the Department of Justice?
SWALWELL: Basically every prosecutor not in Epstein's black book thinks this is obstruction. Do you agree?
MUELLER: GLOMAR 😎
OK guys, I'm taking a break until the House Intel testimony.
You get the idea. 😀
You can follow @ericgarland.
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