Never forget the most epic tweet about Nunes ever:
SCHIFF: Thank you for coming, Mr. Mueller, and for exposing foreign enemies and treasonous bags of filth. Trump and company are faithless scumbuckets.
SCHIFF: Having Americans run their own democracy seems like a pretty good idea.
Also, using the White House to make money is very bad.
SCHIFF: It's about money. Russia wanted out of sanctions, and Trump wanted a Moscow tower.
And Trump's people lied their butts off.
SCHIFF: TL;DR: Russia. So that was a thing. And they tried to cover it up. And it wasn't just about Russians - it was about domestic traitors.
I'm sorry, I can condense this. This is such beautiful language, it's historic. Schiff is a patriot for the ages.
SECRET AGENT DIPSHIT COWPOKE: Well, let me crap all over that beautiful language. God I am so caught. Portuguese intel alone has me screwed. I will die in prison.
COWPOKE: I hate the FBI. Of course I do. I am so freaking caught. Anyhow here's a bunch of shit from 4Chan. We have no story left. We are headed for the River Styx.
COWPOKE: Loch Ness Monster! That's what this is! It's a Witch Collusion Loch Ness Monster! God they know about the winery and the yacht parties. I am so screwed.
COWPOKE: DEMOCRATS CREATED RUSSIA. ON PURPOSE. IN JUNE 2016. Also God they know about why I wanted #FVEY SIGINT infrastructure to the Azores instead of England. I will die in SuperMAX.
COWPOKE: This is an unhinged I am going to die in prison.
SCHIFF: Wow. That was even stupider than any of us could possibly have guessed. Let's get it on.
COWPOKE: It's so weird that a guy from the Special Counsel's Office is here to talk about the thing he worked on.
SCHIFF: You are a complete moron, Cowpoke.
MUELLER: Let's talk counterintelligence. Hold onto your butts. We had two SCIFs built in our offices. We got more intel than any sentient beings in history. And we gave it to the @FBI. MWAHAHAHAHAHAA.
MUELLER: There are several ongoing matters. I suspect dry cleaners will be flush from pants cleaning once the total number is revealed.
MUELLER: Russia's actions have been one of the most serious threats ever.
SCHIFF: Russia hooked up with the Trump people, right?
SCHIFF: Trump's people love Russians?
SCHIFF: They tried to make money from Russians during the transition?
SCHIFF: Buncha these scumbags lied, right?
MUELLER: 18 US Code 1001, bitches. Have some. Have a lot of it.
SCHIFF: Trump called this a witch hunt.
MUELLER: We caught us some witches, so f**k him.
SCHIFF: He was planning to do big business in Moscow, right? A billion bucks?
SCHIFF: The Russians committed cyber crimes for Trump?
MUELLER: Yup. We indicted a bunch of them.
COWPOKE: OK, now I'm going to stupid this up.
COWPOKE: The FBI failed to do this counterintelligence thing God I miss my clearance. I learned neat things.
Why haven't you revealed FBI's counterintelligence operations in public?
COWPOKE: ISN'T IT TRUE THAT ALL COUNTERINTELLIGENCE STARTED IN 2016! MIFSUD! AUSTRALIAN! RUSSIAN AGENTS! YOU NEVER INVESTIGATED! btw do you have Boris Johnson caught?
MUELLER: Nice try.
COWPOKE: You charged George Papadopoulos by TELL ME MORE ABOUT COUNTERINTELLIGENCE!
HIMES: So the Russians were looking to make Trump president, which would help them?
HIMES: Russians got into our social media. Who was that to help?
MUELLER: Three guesses and the first two don't count.
HIMES: Wikileaks was a Russia intel Op. Who was that to help?
MUELLER: Abraham Lincoln. Kidding. Trump.
HIMES: Should you conspire with foreign spies in an election?
MUELLER: Uh. Not so much. Crime.
RATCLIFFE THIS IDIOT AGAIN: Didn't you change the report after you closed the office?
RATCLIFFE: Was the Steele Dossier there to interfere in our politics?
MUELLER: Ask DOJ.
RATCLIFFE: Isn't the Steele Dossier the entire FVEY intel operation?
MUELLER: Ask DOJ. 😎
(EG note: I think some people involved with the Dossier are in trouble. Leave it there. Mueller is. 😎)
SEWELL: Is conspiracy with a foreign government for an election a bad thing? Like the Russia meeting?
MUELLER: Well. Yeah.
SEWELL: Did the campaign go to the FBI to tell you they conspired with Russian spies?
MUELLER: Take a guess.
SEWELL: You haven't indicted them so far. But that seems really criminal.
MUELLER: I didn't say criminal. Yet.
TURNER: So a Special Counsel isn't the boss of the Attorney General.
MUELLER: Google it.
TURNER: I BROUGHT YOUR LAW SCHOOL TEXT BOOKS! An AG CAN'T EXONERATE A PRESIDENT AND YOU SAID EXONERATE! LET'S ARGUE ABOUT A WORD!
TURNER: There's no Office of Exoneration! Gotcha!
MUELLER: Wow. You went to Wikipedia.
TURNER: I AM SUCH AN AWESOME ATTORNEY, I WILL TOTALLY OUTWIT YOU! YOU COULDN'T EXONERATE HIM OR (not making this up) MAKE HIM ANDERSON COOPER!
CARSON: Manafort is a traitor and he's in the pokey. He's in touch with Russians, yes.
CARSON: He gave campaign polling data to a Russian spy and offered to brief a Russian oligarch, right?
CARSON: Is it bad for an American presidential campaign official to conspire with Russian intelligence?
MUELLER: I didn't not not not say those people should die in prison, or not not say it in reverse.
CARSON: Did the Russians own Manafort.
CARSON: Isn't he a traitor-ass traitor? I think people like that are traitors.
WENTRUP: Did any of the Trump Campaign work directly for Wikileaks or were they intelligence officers of the Russian GRU? GOTCHA! THEY DIDN'T DID THEY!
WENTRUP: I worry about Dems. Some people call Trump a Russian agent. Your report doesn't say that!
MUELLER: Yup. That *sentence* isn't there. But come on now.
WENTRUP: Did you try to expand the investigation?
MUELLER: I'm not dumping out counterintelligence data and decisions, you twit.
SPEIER: Mr. Mueller, you are the greatest patriot in this room, and you are a heartthrob.
So, Russians used Facebook and Twitter. That was a big deal, right?
MUELLER: Yeah, and we better fix that. PS I was talking about this in 2011.
SPEIER: Russian spies are still here attacking our democracy, right?
SPEIER: Can you do a sound bite for TV news?
MUELLER: This is really bad and we need to shut down enemies and put criminals in the slammer.
STEWART: No person is above the law, but what about innocent before proven guilty! Some of these traitors are unindicted! Isn't that unfair? It really upsets Ivanka. Also: LEAKS! Poor Roger Stone!
MUELLER: When you are adjacent to treason, you might get investigated. Yup.
STEWART: Why didn't your office investigate the leak of the stupid-ass letter of Bill Barr that I have no proof you leaked?
QUIGLEY: You can indict presidents after they leave?
QUIGLEY: What about statute of limitations? If it's five years and the president serves for eight, what do we do?
(This is a great question.)
QUIGLEY: Wikileaks isn't really a publisher, but a front for Russian intel, right?
MUELLER: They got indicted.
QUIGLEY: Trump loved Wikileaks. Does that bother you?
QUIGLEY: Don. Jr spread propaganda helping Wikileaks. A problem?
MUELLER: He's under investigation. So guess.
CRAWFORD: Didn't the investigation not find anything because Peter Strzok, who had a cell phone?
PORTUGUESE INTEL TARGET: LET'S TALK DOSSIER! FUSION GPS! VESELNITSKAYA MEETING! ONLY 20 MINUTES! GLENN SIMPSON WAS CLINTON'S EMPLOYEE!
MIDNIGHT UBER JUMPER: Let's talk about Dossier also Kremlin fed the FBI disinformation through Clinton.
MUELLER: You are a moron.
MIDNIGHT UBER JUMPER: Please reveal classified intel. I lost my clearance.
MUELLER: So sad about your clearance. Really.
SWALWELL: So obstruction of justice shows consciousness of guilt?
SWALWELL: And a bunch of these guys lied their asses off, right?
SWALWELL: Did they dangle pardons?
SWALWELL: Want to talk to Don Jr?
SWALWELL: Wanted to talk to Trump.
MUELLER: Oh yeah.
SWALWELL: And lying to you is bad?
STEFANIK: DOSSIER! And how long has counterintelligence being going on?
STEFANIK: DOSSIER! DOSSIER! THAT'S WHY YOU DID ALL THIS! THAT'S WHAT YOU TOOK TO THE FISC, EVEN THOUGH THEY DECLASSIFIED CARTER PAGE'S FISA AND IT WASN'T IN THERE.
STEFANIK: Tell me about counterintelligence.
MUELLER: Seriously you people are getting on my nerves.
LAJES BOY: Mifsud. Indict him!
LAJES BOY: God I am going to be in prison. Did you approve a FISA on Carter Page?
MUELLER: You're on HPSCI and are apparently too dumb to know I'm not a judge on the FISC.
CASTRO: Michael Cohen is big liar.
MUELLER: Yeah, that's why he pleaded guilty.
CASTRO: Here are more lies from Cohen. And it's coordinated with Kremlin messaging!
HURD: Instead of your report, let's talk about the US MSM as sources. They've done such a great job.
HURD: Do you think counterintelligence should warn people targeted by Russian Active Measures?
MUELLER: Interesting idea.
HURD: So we should push back on Russia harder?
MUELLER: It's not just Russians doing this. Other countries are using their techniques.
HECK: Kushner met with the head of a sanctioned Russian bank? To get a billion for 666 5th Avenue?
MUELLER: Jeez, I don't know.
HECK: It's in the report.
MUELLER: Oh. Wow. Sounds bad.
RATCLIFFE: My questions are so dumb, I need to yield my time back to Nunes.
NUNES: Tell me about counterintelligence on Erik Prince god I am so tired of running just put me in prison already
NUNES: Kilimnik was connected to the State Department I am so weary the treason is crushing my shoulder dragging me toward hell
NUNES: :LJOISJIOJJBGYGG GSAYGHHU LHIUH 🤔😟😬🤞😻😻🎃👐👰👝
WELCH: Can I ask the collusion question again for the 95th time today?
MUELLER: Jesus. Really? Again?
WELCH: Can I ask the question about charging Trump?
WELCH: Can I ask a bunch more questions that you've answered 50 times today?
MUELLER: *stares in middle distance, dreaming of dinner*
WELCH: DUDE THEY WORKED WITH WIKILEAKS!
MUELLER: ....................so I've heard.
WELCH: DUDE FOREIGN INTERFERENCE IS BAD.
MALONEY: You're a veteran and that's great. Why didn't you subpoena the president?i
MUELLER: We wanted to. But the investigation was over while they still were dragging their feet. So.
MALONEY: What about the written responses?
MUELLER: They weren't too helpful.
MALONEY: You were just lazy about interviewing Trump!
MUELLER: We had more than a little evidence. Did you not see Judiciary this morning?
DEMINGS: Were the President's written answers under oath?
DEMINGS: And his answers weren't exactly straight?
DEMINGS: So he kinda lied to you.
MUELLER: *pauses* Yeah. Kinda!
KRISHNAMOORTHI: So there's a ton left in counterintelligence, right?
MUELLER: Ooh yeah.
KRISHNAMOORTHI: Lying about fooling around with spies to the FBI is bad, right?
MUELLER: Yup. We indicted him.
KRISHNAMOORTHI: Surely, there has been interference in our elections before, but this is the first investigation of its kind.
MUELLER: Yup. This was pretty bad.
SCHIFF: Almost done.
NUNES: I am too haunted to talk. You talk, Adam. I'm sorry about building a wall in our offices between Dems and GOP. God I have made so many decisions...
SCHIFF: These people are treasonweasels. Don't they suck more than law-abiding patriots?
SCHIFF: Boy a whole lot of people are screwed. Betraying your country really can get inconvenient. I'm sure there's no one within three feet of me in that trap. 🤔
SCHIFF: These people were all total idiots and had no idea what counterintelligence is.
SCHIFF: Is Trump so dumb as to think he will get to go back into business after this?
SCHIFF: Any final words, Mr. Nunes and did you notice I pronounced in a perfect Portuguese accent? 😎
SCHIFF: Trump is legally screwed, obviously, in perhaps more ways than any other human alive, and who knows - maybe we'll impeach him? Let the indictments rain down.
But hey, the Russia thing is no longer up for debate thanks to you.
SCHIFF: BOBBY THREE STICKS GETS TO LEAVE FIRST. THE REST OF YOU SIT.
That was historic. Wow.
You can follow @ericgarland.
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