Hey all. I have an announcement to make. I’ve stepped down from the Ladybug Podcast. This is primarily about value misalignment and my own personal shame about that.
I want to talk about what I’ve done and how I’ve fucked up. Because I have. I am only speaking for me here. I know before I left there was a lot of brainstorming happening based on the DMs and anonymous feedback we received.
From my understanding, the Ladybug podcast has lots of plans to improve based on learning about some of the feelings of the community. And I’m looking forward to seeing them come to fruition.
But back to my fucking up. I have to come clean first.
When the podcast that I put a lot of hard work into got called out…. I felt upset. Hurt. Angry even. Defensive. I really care a lot about this community. How could people not see that? Did people not realize how much work a podcast takes?
I’ve also felt defensive in the past toward other people, not just with Cher’s comments. Hell, I still feel a little defensive. It’s hard to put so much work into something and see people criticize it.
But then I reached out to Cher to get a bit deeper. I uncovered some feelings that I did not talk to about with the other co-hosts, which I regret. I put a lot of my feelings on the back burner for the good of the podcast. That’s my fault.
Regardless of how I felt internally, the cohosts and I wrote an apology and a game plan about inviting more people to the table. I wanted to do what I could to help fix this. I felt like that would help fix my feelings, but sadly it didn’t.
After Cher’s call out and seeing who liked her tweets, I realized so many people that I care for deeply were liking it. So many women of color that had been vulnerable to me who hadn’t talked to me since I had started the podcast.
That’s the first meltdown I had. I felt I had failed the people I cared so deeply for. I tried to be emotionally healthy and shared a bit of my inner turmoil with close friends. Even then, I still wanted to fix it.
But I saw all the responses of people supporting us, and while a lot of people were genuinely being kind and supportive, there were people who were also gaslighting other folks in the name of our defense.
If you ever met me, the thing that gives me the most rage is seeing gaslighting for people’s very valid feelings. I’ve ranted about it very many times.
Anyways, fast-forward to a couple of days ago. All this internal pressure resulted in an episode, which I will talk about some other time because there is a CW and I don’t want people to stop reading. But this moment is when I decided to step down.
I recognize I talk a lot about me here. That’s on purpose. I want to illustrate how selfish I’ve been, despite how much I care about inclusivity.
Please nobody give me ally cookies for caring. I don’t deserve that. Caring (i.e. intent) doesn’t erase my impact. I have a lot of privilege already. I’ll be ok despite any damages this might cause to my reputation. Most WOC don’t have the same privilege.
Most of my episode was caused by misalignment with my values. Emotionally turmoil with how to handle it. Understanding my own internalized bias and racism that I thought I had gotten out of my system (I almost laugh at this now, this isn’t how that works, Lindsey). Lots of shame
I apologize so much to all the people who have been hurt by my actions. I want to do better. And I am open to you all holding me accountable, even when it stings or hurts my feelings. I promise to set boundaries if I need a break, instead of gaslighting.
I promise to read more and invest in my learning. I promise to do my best to earn your trust and to not be mad at you if you still don’t. My DMs are open to everyone except white supremacists. I love you all and I hope that you can forgive me.
You can follow @LittleKope.
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