Will Oremus @WillOremus oh-REE-mus. Senior writer for OneZero at @medium: onezero.medium.com/ Previously: @slate. I write about how tech shapes us. DM for Signal. Sep. 10, 2019 1 min read

What to watch for at the #AppleEvent:
- Craig Federighi's hair. Will *this* be the year a strand is out of place?
- Eddy Cue's dad jokes. Will *this* be the year that one lands?
- Phil Schiller's superlatives: Will they be the most superlative—ever?
- Apple Watch update

An absolutely deadly drinking game is to take a swig every time an Apple executive says the word "EVER."

This is your annual reminder to please remember to unmute me in four and a half hours when the Apple event reaches its conclusion.

Sayonara Wildhearts is vaporwave Temple Run

No one:

Tim Cook: Now I know that some of you have been wondering, when will Apple TV Plus be available, and how much will it cost?!?

IPAD GUY: Now get ready, because we’re replacing the 6th-generation iPad with *this*….
[DRAMATIC PAUSE]
IPAD GUY: The 7th-generation iPad!!!
AUDIENCE: [feints]

Buy the new Apple Watch OR DIE

Apple's iPhone XS and XS Max have a combined customer satisfaction rating of 99%, which sounds really good until you realize that one is 53% and the other is 46%

"Apple events are boring now" has itself been a boring take for years but if they don't announce something interesting soon my Apple Watch is going to call 911 on me

Pascal's Wager, for those not familiar, posits that if you don't believe in God there is a nonzero chance that your soul will be condemned to an eternity of iPhone game demos

PHIL SCHILLER: "This is the first phone that we’ve called *pro*… “
ME: Did Tim Cook just say he was going to “invite Phillip,” or “invite Phil up?”

Bone-weary and bedraggled, tugging his button-down collar as the sweat beaded on his neck, Schiller grimly summoned his final reserve of vitality, looked directly into the klieg lights, and murmured: "We think this is the most exciting iPhone we’ve made yet."

This concludes my coverage of Apple's least-special special event *ever.* A heartfelt thanks to the six of you who bore with me through this ordeal, and the rest of you may now unmute me as I resume my regularly scheduled shitposting.

coda


You can follow @WillOremus.



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