<LEWANDOWSKI HPSCI THREAD>
Nadler: So you didn't want to be here because White House.
Collins: I HATE HOUSE PROCEDURES AND EVERYTHING IS UNFAIR.
CL: I love the Patriots.
Jackson Lee: Why did he go to some rando to lean on Sessions instead of his giant staff that works there? He tried to get McGahn to shank Mueller, but even McGahn isn't that stupid.
So, what's the deal?
Jackson Lee: Did he not tell you McGahn wasn't so stupid as to fire Bobby Three Sticks. So what happened when he asked you to do it?
CL: The White House is a building that told me no.
JL: THIS IS HOUSE JUDICIARY NOT A HOUSE PARTY! 🤣 (She said this 😂)
JL: Did you realize you were committing obstruction of justice, you punk-ass stalling bitch?
CL: Michelle Obama's old garden told me I have privilege.
JL: MY FOOT IS GOING UP YOUR ASS.
CL: You're ranting.
JL: GET ALL THE WAY FUCKED!
SC: Obama caused the Russians to interfere, so why don't we impeach him? Robert S. Mueller III thinks so!
CL: Yes, it's Obama's fault.
SC: And I'm totally not going down with this investigation and absolutely not afraid!
SC: Why are we investigating foreigners buying our politicians, when we could be investigating taco trucks? Also, there are opioids and dead people? So why are we worried about a Mobster put in the White House by foreigners?
Thank you for suffering so much.
SC: It's a faux impeachment. Democrats don't even want an impeachment! We could be working on revising the law darts regulations.
Raskin: Point of process.
Raskin: He was saying he had to keep answers to the Mueller Report, but now he's gone beyond them, he should answer the fucking questions right?
Nadler: Hmm. Good point.
Collins: THAT WAS A DANGING PARTICIPLE! NOT PARLIAMENT!
Steve Cohen: You were a cop. Why were you breaking the law by obstructing justice, you scumbag?
CL: Felonies are legal!
Cohen: Get fucked.
Cohen: So you're a felon and proud of it, and basically a political thug. Fair? You're the Forrest Gump of corruption. Is that what Trump likes you?
CL: Ask Trump!
Cohen: Dude, even McGahn is smarter than you and almost certainly a better guitarist, and he's a schmuck. And somehow, you're DUMBER AND MORE TREASONY. Also, apparently you can't type?
Oh, and then you chickened out after your boss went to prison.
Did you get spooked?
CL: Obstruction is legal. It's like vitamins.
Cohen: You're a crook and a thug and you even suck at that. Go to hell.
Gym Jordan: You ran a great campaign! That thing with Russia was awesome!
CL: Trump is awesome. I'm awesome.
Gym: Did you work for Russia in Russia paid in rubles?
Gym: Comey and Mueller agreed! And I'm not going to prison in Ohio soon for letting kids get raped!
Gym: Democrats hate the law. But not you! You have testified! Totally happy to! For hours!
CL: Hours. Many hours. My jaw was injured, and they won't even say sorry.
Gym: AND LETTERS! THEY KEEP ASKING YOU THINGS! How do you do it?
CL: I am awesome.
Gym: And then they sent a subpoena! Were you injured?
CL: They broke my femur. I almost didn't make it.
Gym: House Dems won't even let me shower with staff!
Gym: We should not investigate judicial things, right?
CL: Yeah, man!
Gym: Let's investigate Jim Comey and let me shower with interns!
Johnson: Trump doesn't like written evidence, correct?
CL: I'll Wikipedia that.
Johnson: Sessions told you to write stuff down.
Johnson: So you wrote down what he told you to tell Jeff Sessions about firing Mueller, right?
Johnson: So he was ordering Jeff to use his words that are all obstructiony?
CL: Mueller Report. Uh.
Johnson: So he want you to tell Session to obstruct justice. Awkward, right?
CL: I went on vacation instead.
(*audible laughter, really*)
Johnson: Did he point out you're a bitch? A little tiny bitch?
CL: I was at the shore. Vacation.
Johnson: So yes, you're Trump's tiny bitch who isn't even good at it?
CL: I did not know that.
Buck: Obama allowed Russia to attack the world for 100 years. He invented the Cheka, the NKVD, the KGB, the GRU, and borscht. And Obama loved it. So let's arrest the intelligence community, especially the FBI, because Obama.
Buck: The Russians have been working on US politicians since 1917, which is EXACTLY WHY OBAMA IS AT FAULT.
Republicans spend July 4 in Moscow, and OBAMA WANTS RUSSIA TO OWN TEXAS.
Isn't stopping Putin's puppet in the White House good for Russia and bad for America?
Jackson Lee: Did you just use a Russian intel term against Democrats?
Nadler: When your opponents are digging, don't take the shovel away
Buck: YOU ARE POLEZNI DURAK - USEFUL IDIOTS. Right, Corey? Isn't that the term? They can turn Americans to traitors in politics, right?
CL: Obama totally hid Wikileaks and Trump saying he couldn't wait to give Putin a backrub. Obama loves Russia. The FBI hates America.
Buck: You're a great American, or something.
Deutch: So you took notes to tell Sessions that there are no Russians and he's the greatest politician ever and innocent.
Deutch: But everybody knew that all of you had Russians jammed in your colons. You didn't know about that?
CL: I knew where Sessions worked.
Deutch: You know what recusal means, right?
CL: I'm not an attorney.
Deutch: You know what "shut your stupid pie hole, because you're involved" means, right?
Deutch: Coconspirators probably should prosecute things where they might be guilty, right?
CL: I am not an attorney. I'm a football fan.
Deutch: You're a moron.
Deutch: Did you hear where he said, "OMG THIS IS THE END I'M FUCKED?" ROFLMAO
CL: *silence* Thank you.
Ratcliffe: Democrats are the party of impeachment. They said Mueller would impeach Trump, which he couldn't do, and then he didn't! So why aren't we playing Mario Cart?
Isn't it true that the party of impeachment is talking about impeachment and if I keep talking...
Ratcliffe: ...maybe there will be no questions if I just keep talking and maybe read from one of Mueller's college text books and maybe Trump is guilty of twenty felonies but isn't he rich?
CL: He is very rich.
(EG Note: Teddy Roosevelt could have bought all of DC in cash. Trump loses money on gambling and booze.)
Ratcliffe: Did he dangle pardons or participles? Or Kavanaugh?
CL: I like to boof beer as well.
Bass: Trump couldn't get anyone to put their head under a lawn mower and try to fire Mueller. But you were dumb enough, yes?
CL: What page are we on?
Bass: 92. You were told to inform Sessions he would be prom king. Also, you're like a Mob enforcer.
CL: I'm on page 92, yes.
Bass: So you knew what Trump wanted to do, obstruct justice.
CL: Page 92?
Bass: You call Sessions, right? You asked for a meeting.
CL: Page 92?
Bass: So you tried to avoid the U.S. Government from knowing you met with Sessions.
CL: We're besties.
Bass: He's the Attorney General of the United States, fool. Are you 8th grade girls?
CL: I miss him. I like dinner.
Bass: You said you wanted an *advantage* over him.
CL: I like my Mob-like discussions at restaurants, not at the DOJ.
Bass: Dude, even Sessions was creeped out. Do you realize how difficult that is? I mean, what kind of rock would you need to crawl out from under to be that gross?
CL: I like dinner.
Bass: You're a scumbag. You sicken me.
Nadler: Lewandowski has request a break so he can cry in the Ladies Room. Give him space.
Nadler: OK, Gaetz, do your worst.
Gaetz: MY BAC IS 0.18, LET'S ROCK!!! Mueller lost. Nobody was ever indicted. There is no impeachment! I will never lose my driver's license! I love human trafficking! Nadler is an asshole! I am actually a Congressman!
Gaetz: THEY SAY THERE'S AN IMPEACHMENT, BUT TRUMP STILL EXISTS AND MY BAC MAY BE INCREASING CAN SOMEONE GET ME AN UBER AFTER THIS?
Joe Biden is a racist and I don't know where we are! Why are we here? Why are we anywhere? People hate impeachment!
CL: They hate Trump more than they love their country. (EG: He said this, and can get all the way fucked.)
Gaetz: DID THEY EVEN WARN YOU ABOUT YOU WORKING WITH RUSSIA?
CL: Neither Obama nor Biden stopped us from working with Russia. It's crazy.
Gaetz: WAAAAAAAAT? 😱
Gaetz: Why would the US Intel Community stop you from asking Russia to hack the Democrats? Weren't Obama and Biden treasonous?
Gaetz: Corey, you're not a criminal and Jim Comey is! For not stopping you from begging Russia for help! My BAC is 2.1. I yield back my time.
Jeffries: Bitch, this isn't Fox News. Just a reminder. Now you talk to Trump all the time.
Jeffries: And yet you're not an employee. So you're just an enforcer, like, kind of a Mob hitman? Bagman?
CL: I am handsome.
Jeffries: So Trump was obstructing justice, correct? About investigating his treasony election. You hid his message to sessions in a safe.
CL: What page? 92?
Jeffries: He tried to hide his message, right?
Jeffries: But you are a bitch, and didn't deliver the message.
CL: I love vacations.
Jeffries: And you still didn't deliver this Mobster's message, correct?
CL: I love Disney World. Sandals. Camping. Ocean City. Yellowstone. Staycations.
Jeffries: Trump wanted you to intimidate a sitting Attorney General of the United States, correct?
CL: I like vacations.
Jeffries: You like lying and obstruction of justice and Russia.
Johnson (R-LA): God, these Democrats are so partisan, but they're not even quoting 4Chan. That is really wrong. Anyhow, Trump still isn't impeached, which means he never will be. Anything you want add?
CL: I like vacations.
Johnson: You've told all the truth always forever, everywhere, in multiple universes, yes?
CL: I like honesty and vacations.
Johnson: Isn't this harassment?
CL: Awful. I cry for Trump.
CL: Investigating Russia is the biggest crime in the history of America. The FBI wouldn't mind if Obama and Clinton worked with Russia. Only Trump is blamed. I am crying.
Johnson: Now I'm crying. Why can't Trump get the rule of law? He's like John Jay times Thurgood Marshall.
Gym: The FBI tried to trap Trump by forcing him to beg the GRU to hack the Democrats which he did! THAT IS WRONG! AND I CANNOT SHOWER WITH EVEN ONE SET OF INTERNS!
Nadler: Jesus. OK. Let's keep going.
Cicilline: Hey asshole, remember the Russian spies, Veselnitskaya, all them?
CL: Page 93?
Cicilline: So you were told to intimidate Sessions, right?
CL: Page 93?
Cicilline: I'm from Rhode Island. Do you think I don't know how Mobsters obfuscate, you bitch-ass punk? And you even punked out on Trump. PAGE 92!
CL: Ask Trump. I love vacations.
Cicilline: Even Rick Dearborn wouldn't jump in the woodchipper.
CL: Obstruction is legal. Claiming privilege is transparency. Nails are breakfast cereal.
Biggs: There's a stack of FBI 302 interviews and you're not in prison, therefore, you're innocent!
Biggs: You talked to Mueller!
CL: I haven't read the Mueller Report. (😂🖕😂)
Biggs: Nobody has! It sucks!
Biggs: Congress says there's a Russia, but that's a LIE. Any comment?
CL: I am not from Belarus and was not a direct employee of GRU.
Biggs: THEREFORE TRUMP IS INNOCENT!
Swalwell: HE'S A RUSSIA BITCH! A TOTAL RUSSIA BITCH! I'M STILL RIGHT!
(this kinda happened 🤣)
Biggs: NO FAIR!
Nadler: C'mon dude.
CL: I love my country and they don't.
Biggs: Did he tell you to stop the Mueller investigation?
CL: I invoke my 700th Impeachment Right to Not Talk
Swalwell: Read this thing you wrote down.
Swalwell: You're ashamed.
Swalwell: Did you have consciousness of guilt?
Swalwell: I'm an attorney. Do you know how bad I'm f**king you up right now?
CL: I am far too dumb for that.
Swalwell: So did you take dictation?
Swalwell: How many notes from POTUS goes in a safe?
CL: It's in there with LOTS OF GUNS!
(EG: what the hell?)
Swalwell: Did Trump say he never would have hired Sessions if he knew he couldn't cover up?
CL: I have my 7000th Impeachment Rights.
Swalwell: Can you straighten his ass out?
Nadler: You're obstructing, asshole. Now talk.
Collins: Trump is not Nixon!
Nadler: That's not a question.
Gaetz: DID YOU SAY YOU'D IMPEACH LEWANDOWSKI? YOU CAN'T DO THAT! MY BAC IS 2.3!
Nadler: I said obstruction leads to impeachment, knucklehead.
CL: I have a teacher's note to hang out in the hall.
Swalwell: Smack him up.
Cicilline: HOLD HIM IN CONTEMPT!
Nadler: Hmm. Interesting idea.
CL: My 70,000th Impeachment Rights!
Swalwell: Lookin' good, dude.
Swalwell: Trump's a Mobster.
CL: I am insulted.
McClintock: How do you cover up a crime that never happened, like this didn't happened?
CL: I like vacations.
McClintock: He's innocent even after no matter what the evidence, isn't he? This is unfair!
CL: I'm crying.
McClintock: PEOPLE VOTED FOR HIM!
CL: I'm sobbing.
McClintock: HOW COULD THEY LIE ABOUT THE THING RUSSIA BRAGS ABOUT?
CL: This is worse that the Teapot Dome Scandal. I am shuddering, weeping.
McClintock: The Deep State violated the Take Help From Russia Act.
CL: This is scarier than Smoot-Hawley. Let's get Horowitz.
McClintock: This is scary. Clinton hired a Maltese professor to give George Papadopolous a girlfriend and start an investigation.
CL: Let me say stuff 4Chan guys will masturbate to.
McClintock: This is so dangerous, the enforcement of law.
CL: They don't like vacations.
Ted Lieu: I'm a JAG/Colonel in the Air Force and I love America, so go screw.
Why didn't you read the Mueller Report? Here's what it says: Russia attacked America and your campaign liked it a LOT.
You know. The one YOU worked with. And still do.
Lieu: As soon as he found out about him being targeted for obstruction, freaked out, and then tried to get Mueller fired. McGahn wouldn't do it. He gave it to you. And you didn't do it.
CL: What page?
LIEU: PAGE 92 MORON YOU SHOULD READ THIS PAGE. 92.
Lieu: He told you Sessions would be fired if he wouldn't meet with you.
CL: He was joking.
Lieu: He said so on TV.
CL: I can't tell when he's joking.
Lesko: Thank you for being waterboards by questions. Here is a bunch of shit from 4Chan. Clintons paid for Whitewater and Travelgate and Vince Foster and Chemtrails and Mueller and Comey and they're hauling in everything and anything this is endless what if I just keep talking...
Lesko: Emmet Flood said "whatever can be done to the President can be done to ANY OF US who get elected President.
CL: That is scary. I am weeping.
Lesko: Deep State. Democrats. New World Order. George Soros. I'm so scared.
CL: I love America and just peed.
CL: I am very concerned that the Deep State may stop Russia and Israel and China may one day grow up to not be able to pick the American president. It's scary.
Gym Jordan: FBI spies on blameless Russia assets and I can't even spy on the interns in the shower.
Nadler: You disgust me.
Raskin: Why don't Republicans want to protect our elections?
Raskin: In the laughable case you're made a Senator, will you let other people to obstruct justice because the President says something stupid?
CL: It's not executive privilege. I'm not an attorney.
Raskin: I am. You're a moron.
CL: DID YOU JUST RUIN THE TOOTH FAIRY FOR MY KIDS? YOU MONSTER?
Raskin: You don't work for the White House, etc.
CL: Page 92? Vacations.
I'm out. If this ain't obstruction, I'm a jet pilot.
</STROKE-INDUCING LIVE TWEET OF VACATION JUNKIES>
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