Eric Garland @ericgarland Strategic intelligence analyst. Want to learn more about Trump-Russia? Check out Game Theory Today. www.ericgarland.co/game-theory-today-twitter/ Oct. 23, 2019 14 min read

<ZUCKERBERG TESTIMONY TRANSLATION>

Not content to let foreign powers attack democracy, Facebook also wants to be a Federal Digital Reserve, or something.

We're live from Congress.

Today's live-tweet is brought to you by Game Theory Today. More detailed info, deeper analysis, your questions answered every week, and fun peeps.

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Auntie Max is warming up. My guess is that she'll have relatively little taste for any nonsense.

This could be a live-tweet-translation delicacy today.

I remind you that the Pliny the Elder of Maxine Waters hearing reviews is the legendary @oureric.  https://www.elle.com/culture/career-politics/news/a43244/maxine-waters-is-back-and-shes-not-here-to-play/ β€¦

GAVEL TIME! She is not here for your guff. Reclaim her time and she will end you.

WELCOME BACK TO THUNDERDOME, ZUCK. And say hello to Auntie Max.

Auntie Max: So Facebook wants to be its own Fort Knox or whatever the hell.

He's here to testify. Alone. Totally alone. He is at my mercy.

MAX: Facebook is out of its damn mind, since it wants to make its own money without fixing its KGB problem, which ought to come first.

BTW, did I mention this is just a bunch of white techbros who curiously never work with anyone of color?

MAX: Yeah, Facebook's ad algorithms are racist on housing. Do these techbros not have the ability to Google "the last 50 years of housing policy and racism?"

Also, they let the Russians attack our democracy and still haven't stopped them. They suck.

MAX: Also, Facebook is totally cool with liars and spies and voter suppression. But at least you have pictures of your friends with 1980s hairstyles.

Mr. Zuckerberg, you are a bully who has lost his damn mind in every possible way, and also racist. πŸ”₯πŸ”₯πŸ”₯πŸ”₯πŸ”₯πŸ”₯πŸ”₯πŸ”₯🀣

MAX: Now you want your own money. Your ass is crazy. Now, the ranking member.

Patrick MCHENRY: So. Tech is cool, right? And America invented it. But there are downsides, like slow internet in the Midwest. And people's phones make them anxious. (???)

MCHENRY: Nervous Congressional Reps on their phones, anxious, that's why you're here. We're not just here for Libra, but for all ones and zeros.

Politicians are using fear to justify grabbing power for Washington! They're centralizing power!

MCHENRY: Horseless carriages used to be forced to not scare horses on the road! (I am not making this up.)

They are comparing Libra to Al Qaeda! That is bad! Innovation is good! And government is trying to regulate money! IN THE FINANCIAL SERVICE COMMITTEE NO LESS!

MAX: Mr. Zuckerberg, you are the only witness. Do your robotic worst!

ZUCK: People need banks. They have phones. 14 million Americans don't have banks. All these people could be laundering money across borders through phones!

ZUCK: Libra will have its own Not-Federal Reserve of cash from somewhere because there no other way to send money, say through the SWIFT banking system, which exists!

Yes, we may make money, but we really just want to help! Honest!

ZUCK: Sure, this might finance terrorism, but WHAT IF WE DON'T INNOVATE?

Libra will be backed *mostly by dollars*

(STOP HOLD ON πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ€£πŸ€£πŸ€£πŸ€£πŸ€£πŸ€£πŸ€£πŸ€£πŸ€£πŸ€£πŸ€£)

MOSTLY BY DOLLARS AND WE'VE ALREADY TAKEN MORE MONEY FROM KREMLIN FRONT YURI MILNER AND DST πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ€£πŸ–•πŸ–•πŸ–•πŸ–•πŸ–•πŸ–•πŸ–•πŸ–•πŸ–•πŸ–•πŸ–•πŸ–•πŸ–•πŸ–•πŸ–•πŸ–•πŸ–•πŸ–•

Zuck: Facebook is doing great on everything, so let us be our own banking system. We got rid of 0.0001% of the hate speech and foreign interference, and we're about to hire some people of color, too!

ZUCK: I feel blessed that Facebook is able to conduct PsyOps on the world. Thanks.

MAX: Russia. So you let Russia target black American voters. Russia and Iran are still doing this. And you like to earn money off politicians lying.

MAX: You banned cryptocurrency ads because crypto is super dodgy - until you started your own cryptocurrency. Sounds like you're just a bunch of hypocritical psychopaths.

ZUCK: I AM NOW COMPUTING YOUR INTERROGATION.

ZUCK: We are doing things about the Russia and potentially the Iran. We are proactively doing things that may lead to sophistication in the proactive doing of other initiatives.

You are all getting super uptight about this information war thing, by the way.

MAX: Are you really going to run ads without fact checking?

ZUCK: Lying in democracy is very important.

MAX: Do you fact check?

ZUCK: Yes.

ZUCK: Actually, no. We don't.

MAX: You do or you don't.

ZUCK: We have fact-checkers who don't do that thing.

MAX: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING, FOOL?

ZUCK: We have a system for fact-checking systemic checking of facts, which we don't do.

MAX: This is dumber than I even dreamed.

MCHENRY: So what about China?

ZUCK: My views have evolved. I was more optimistic, but now I'm realizing China has some problems, which is why we worked with Beijing bringing fiber optic undersea cables from China to L.A. along with Google.

(They did.)

ZUCK: There's a lot of China, but we don't like them.

MCHENRY: OK, why is Libra out of Switzerland, not America?

ZUCK: The watches and chocolate is great, it's totally not the secret banking and NOT MONEY LAUNDERING WHATSOEVER.

MCHENRY: Dude, I'm mostly on your side, but why couldn't this be based in New York again?

ZUCK: Chocolate.

MCHENRY: Is Facebook a payment platform?

Zuck: Watches.

ZUCK: The United States money is outdated. So we're making a Libra which pays on top of a system of payments where a payment sent sits on another thing with electrons and...

MCHENRY: OK. So you're doing digital payments like these other companies.

ZUCK: But they're innovating, so we want to innovate too, which of course required taking more Kremlin money.

MCHENRY: Uh. OK dude.

MALONEY: You said you wouldn't launch Libra into all of the U.S. regulators were on board. There are shit-ton of them, among them FinCEN Death Robot of Death. How's that going.

ZUCK: NOW COMPUTING *bzzzzzt*

ZUCK: Different things are being done by different people to different regulators around the world because we should.

MALONEY: So are you doing this in America first or not?

ZUCK: We will do all the things globally and not.

MALONEY: Bitch, I just passed a bill yesterday to crackdown on money launderer. Libra sounds like it will be a money launderer's wet dream. Will you have anonymous money laundering wallets?

ZUCK: Thank you so much for that. We are doing many things and with governments.

ZUCK: I forgot the question, actually.

MALONEY: Money laundering. Anonymity. Criminals. Will you be helping those scumbags? They do this with LLCs. πŸ”₯πŸ”₯πŸ”₯πŸ”₯ This is national security. And law enforcement thinks this is really bad. So, are you a threat?

ZUCK: That thing you said? We'll do it. Strong identity. Regulators. We'll do a lot. Everything. Maybe our partners won't, though.

WAGNER - MY CONGRESSCRITTER: Every serious company has dropped out. Why do you figure?

ZUCK: It takes a village.

WAGNER: NOBODY LIKES YOU. WHY?

ZUCK: It's risky?

WAGNER: RIGHT. I passed a bill against sex trafficking. The internet has a lot of child porn. FACEBOOK IS TRAFFICKING A LOT OF CHILD PORNOGRAPHY. (πŸ”₯πŸ”₯πŸ”₯πŸ”₯πŸ”₯πŸ”₯πŸ”₯) If Facebook Libra does end-to-end encryption, won't you still be trafficking child porn?

ZUCK: We're doing things.

WAGNER: MOTHERF**CKER YOU ARE TRAFFICKING KIDDIE PORN. WHY ARE YOU STILL DOING THIS?

ZUCK: We're good at finding bad things.

WAGNER: KIDDIE PORN, YOU FOOL. ON YOUR SYSTEM.

WAGNER: WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO GET RID OF KIDDIE PORN, ASSHOLE?

ZUCK: Stuff?

WAGNER: KIDDIE PORN, YOU SCUMBAG!

VELAZQUEZ: You can't protect consumer data for democracy. Why should you be able to do banking now?

ZUCK: We are always improving things at Facebook, except obviously for child pornography, which we merely identify.

VELAZQUEZ: You realize you're not especially credible, right?

ZUCK: We are improving.

VELAZQUEZ: You are a bunch of liars.

ZUCK: I am offended.

VELAZQUEZ: How about you stop this financial stuff until Congress gets a legal framework to watch you crooks?

ZUCK: Look, you can talk to the other regulators.

VELAZQUEZ: OK so that's no. You may go now.

LUCAS: The underbanked don't trust banks. But they probably won't trust either - or Congress. How will you build trust?

ZUCK: People come to us for 1980s mullet picks and quizzes that do psych profiles that we give to Russian intelligence. So they trust us, unless they don't.

LUCAS: Seriously? This is all for the underbanked? Mmkay. Let's talk deep fakes and propaganda. How big a threat is this?

ZUCK: Deep fakes are a threat. We'll have policies.

LUCAS: Should we educate people about propaganda since your site has so much of it?

ZUCK: We will be curating content for good news and will make money so we don't fact check but we'll tell you what's good.

MEEKS: Words are different than actions. The underbanked: we just had a hearing on this yesterday. Have you invested in any banks that help minority, many of whom are underbanked?

ZUCK: There is a globe with countries.

MEEKS: How about here?

MEEKS: KNOW WHO ELSE LIKES THE UNDERBANKED? PAYDAY LENDERS, AND THEY ARE GANGSTERS, FOOL. YOU THINK THIS IS OUR FIRST DAY REGULATING THIS RACKET, YOU LITTLE SHIT?

(EG note: Epic. Was waiting for this. 😁)

MEEKS: I've talked to your investors and they think this is dodgy AF. Nobody trusts you. You help hostile foreign powers interfere in US democracy. Brexit. All around Europe. You're at the scene of all these crimes. Is that a COINCIDENCE, SIR?

ZUCK: There are lots of countries.

ZUCK: Jeez, financial crooks? We ban them.

MEEKS: HOW ABOUT INVESTING IN MINORITY BANKING INSTITUTIONS?

POSEY: So. Facebook is important. I use it with my constituents.

POSEY: Facebook innovates. Libruls and media want to censor anti-vaxxers!

(EG: Jesus Tap-dancing Christ, seriously?)

REP. 4CHAN: Vaccines are terrible! I love diphtheria and I want kids with measles and rickets!

ZUCK: Umm...yeah...we

REP. 4CHAN: VACCINES ARE BAD! DON'T YOU AGREE?

ZUCK: Um...dude I have limits. At long last, you've found my limit.

REP. 8CHAN: WHAT ABOUT MY RIGHT TO HAVE YOUR KID GET SMALLPOX?

ZUCK: Uh, I guess you have freedom to join a group where you die from smallpox, but, Jesus even our algorithm doesn't do that shit.

REP. GAB: WHAT ABOUT LOVING MUMPS? I yield back.

Dude. I guess that happened.

SHERMAN: So cryptocurrency is awesome for terrorists and it attacks the U.S. Dollar as the world's standard currency which gives us an enormous value in every way.

Every way but tax evasion, drug deals, and Mob stuff. So Zuck, how many more people will die from crypto? πŸ”₯

SHERMAN: The U.S. Dollar is a national security weapon, dude.

"CRYPTOCURRENCY IS THE CHOICE OF THE CRYPTOPATRIOT."

SHERMAN: THE ZUCK BUCK WILL BE THE TOOL OF CHOICE FOR BURGLARY. THEY'LL COMMIT THE CRIMES, YOU'LL MAKE MONEY AND BLAME THE CRIMINALS AND TAKE NO RESPONSIBILITY.

Your underbanked argument is horseshoe. The people you're doing this for are Mobsters. Cut the shit.

SHERMAN: For the richest man in the world to hide behind the poorest...you suck.

LEUTKEMEYER: So, you're going to be a bank...mmkay. People expect banks to be, um, stable. Can you balance innovation and not being a 1928-era bank?

ZUCK: Sure!

LEUTKEMEYER: Will you stop if you appear, as you do, to be way over your head?

ZUCK: Switzerland is neutral.

LEUTKEMEYER: That thing about the U.S. Dollar from Sherman was pretty smart. Talk more there.

ZUCK: Look, we're going have a Zuckerberg Reserve that will be mostly U.S. Dollars...

πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚ MOSTLY! πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

LEUTKEMEYER: Yeah, but what if you go to the Chinese Yuan...for only one random example?

ZUCK: It's mostly dollars, now.

LEUTKEMEYER: Why the hell are you even do this?

ZUCK: Because we have a messaging app or two, we should be a global bank.

CLAY: I'm from St. Louis City, the home of a ton of payday lenders, so let's get that out there. Anyhow, your housing ads had a racist-ass algorithm, as well as agist. You going to respond to our subpoenas?

ZUCK: Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

if it's a good subpoena

CLAY: Your system is racist.

ZUCK: We have policies against bad things.

CLAY: Yeah, but you did this shit for years. Did you not know?

ZUCK: Policy says no bad things. We have computers, and also people.

ZUCK: We don't collect race data EVEN THOUGH WE HAVE DETAILED PSYCH PROFILES ON MILLIONS THAT WE HANDED TO RUSSIAN INTELLIGENCE so we know your dreams, fears, and kids' names, but we can't tell if you're black. So we're not technically racist.

CLAY: Did somebody independent audit you on not being as racist as you clearly appear to be?

ZUCK: We have a lady doing it.

CLAY: Do you get to edit the audit?

ZUCK: Maybe possibly no. Or maybe.

HUIZENGA: Is Libra Facebook?

ZUCK: It's a non-profit. There are 21 companies and non-profits, some even haven't quit yet. There are also subsidiaries and not-for-profit LPs on Guernsey...

HUIZENGA: Have you talked with Swiss regulators?

ZUCK: Sure!

HUIZENGA: What's the full list of regulators you've talked too.

ZUCK: I'll tell you later.

HUIZENGA: What's the full list of American regulators?

ZUCK: I'll tell you later.

HUIZENGA: Will you launch without U.S. regulator approval? What if your partners launch?

ZUCK: We'd have to quit.

SCOTT: So did you ever read the story of black people getting discriminated against when it came to housing? Like red-lining, where you keep races separate by design. Every Google that, sir? Because you're doing some 1930s shit over at Facebook.

SCOTT: HUD found that your algorithm basically brought red-lining back after 50 years of progress. We've already told you about this. We damn near got rid of this and you brought it back. Oh, and your company also supports child pornography. So could you start with red-lining?

ZUCK: We have policies against bad things. We've settled out of court. And we are going to...

SCOTT: So you're still doing this racist shit.

ZUCK: We have policies.

SCOTT: How did you respond to HUD about your neo-1930s racism?

ZUCK: We're less racist than Pinterest!

STIVERS: Can I discriminate on Facebook today?

ZUCK: No! You used to be able to, but not now.

STIVERS: *whew* the racism was an accident. Now, about this replacing the dollar...

STIVERS: Why do you need a private currency, anyhow? It's a real pain given that we regulate the crap out of that. Why not just use fiat currencies that already exist?

ZUCK: We don't want to rely on America, even though we love America and wish it well.

ZUCK: We don't know what we're doing. But we need to start our new currency like a country, because we have no idea what we're doing and totally haven't thought about the money laundering we'll get rich from.

STIVERS: Yeah, Venezuela totally needs this.

STIVERS: That said, you may be nuts with this idea. Sanctions and money laundering...this currency thing is kind of a big deal.

ZUCK: Thank you. We will do things, and people are talking about this. I am mirroring your language and mannerism just like I was trained to.

GREEN: So. The Libra Association is behind Libra.

ZUCK: Yes.

GREEN: And those are big corporations.

ZUCK: Yes.

GREEN: Any run by women?

ZUCK: I cannot identify women on sight.

GREEN: Any of them minorities?

ZUCK:

GREEN: Any led by LGBTQ people?

ZUCK: I have no idea. Those are many letters.

GREEN: You're a bunch of white techbros, yes?

ZUCK:

GREEN: Anyone with $10 million can join your group?

ZUCK: I don't know anything.

GREEN: I talked to someone who says he did just that, and he's in the association.

ZUCK: I am not an accountant.

GREEN: Well, you should probably tell us who is in this association, because I'm telling the public. Moving on. Ever hear of Bernie Madoff? Ran NASDAQ. He ran a Ponzi scheme and got 150 years in prison. They were laissez-faire until they got ripped off.

GREEN: Surely, Zuck, YOU aren't Bernie Madoff, but...we clear?

BARR: YOU'RE AN INNOVATOR AND WASHINGTON SUCKS AND KENTUCKY IS NOT THE MOST MOBBED UP STATE IN AMERICA. THERE IS STILL FLORIDA! SOCIALISM!

BARR: THESE PEOPLE ARE RACIST AGAINST MONEY LAUNDERING. I AM SHOCKED. Now talk about innovation.

ZUCK: China does innovative things, and they're the model for innovation because don't they seem like role models?

BARR: I am glad that you are standing by the right of free speech for hostile foreign intelligence services. John Stuart Mill supported bots and trolls, because political correctness. I cannot believe that politicians want to keep Russian trolls out of American politics.

BARR: Will you publicly swear to allow free speech about Donald Trump?

(πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ€£πŸ–•)

ZUCK: I like speech.

BARR: PROTECT THOSE RUSSIAN TROLLS, MARK! STAY STRONG!

OK, I'm out.

Starting currencies is not just hard...it's a bad idea.

</TRANSLATION>


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