Seth Abramson+ Your Authors @SethAbramson Lawyer. Professor. NYT bestselling author. @Newsweek columnist with many appearances @CNN, @CBC, @BBC. My new book, Proof of Corruption, is at Nov. 13, 2019 2 min read + Your Authors

The GOP theory of the case on Ukraine is a combination of the following: a) it ain't a bank robbery if you don't end up with the cash; b) it ain't a bank robbery if you dislike some of the bank's employees; c) I can rob any bank I want; d) it ain't a bank robbery if—look! a bird!

PS/ More GOP "theories of the case": e) it ain't a bank robbery if the robber says it isn't; f) it ain't a bank robbery if the bank's employees are too scared to finger the perp; g) it ain't a bank robbery if another bank got robbed a long time ago; h) who cares about this bank?

PS2/ And some more GOP "theories of the case": i) bank robbery isn't illegal; j) you can't lose your job just for committing a bank robbery; k) some of the bank's employees didn't immediately realize they were being robbed; l) I'm not the only one who robs banks—everyone does it!

PS3/ And the final GOP "theories": m) talking about bank robberies is boring; n) you don't need to know if a guy robbed a bank within 1 year of him filing a job application; o) your preoccupation with bank-robbing makes you look stupid, you pencil-necked jerks; and p) {shouting}.

NOTE/ Some user submissions (feel free to add your own!):

q) What's a bank;
r) it's not a bank robbery if the witnesses dislike the robber;
s) it's not a bank robbery if you're "rescuing the money"; and
t) it's not a bank robbery if you threaten all the witnesses not to testify.

NOTE2/ Some more user submissions:

u) {something something} Obama;
v) {something something} her emails;
w) it ain't a bank robbery if I really needed to rob a bank;
x) what about all these bank employees going around reporting an active bank robbery, eh? Ever think about *that*?

NOTE3/ I'll add two final GOP "theories of the case":

y) you would've robbed that bank too, given the chance; and
z) it ain't a bank robbery if you accusing me of a bank robbery might lead my crew of accomplices to topple our system of government and put all you feebs in prison.

You can follow @SethAbramson.


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