michaelharriot+ Your Authors @michaelharriot Sr. Writer at theroot.com/, board-certified Wypipologist, master race-baiter. His pen is mightier than your sword. Last real Negus alive Dec. 20, 2019 5 min read + Your Authors

This is the thread translating the Democratic debate into language everyone can understand.
#DemDebate #YangAndTheWhiteGang

First of all, if he doesn't become President, Pete Buttigieg could get a job as a youth pastor at any white church in America.

How the hell is Amy Klobuchar onstage and not Cory Booker? Have you ever met a Klobuchar supporter?

And why does she always wear purple gabardine suits?

Did she say she wants to "build a fridge to the next century?"

I know Tom Steyer is a billionaire but does he own Scotch tape because his tie looks like an endorsement

Elizabeth Warren is wrong:

Nuclear energy IS clean energy and the Democrats who go against science because of historical bias is as stupid as Republicans who don't believe in climate change.

Amy Klobuchar's plan for climate change is quite literally:

"We gotta do something!"

Joe Biden: The Republicans are racist, they subvert the Constitution and reject logic

Also Joe Biden: We gotta find a way to work with those guys

Andrew Yang: "Where the black people at?"

Bernie Sanders: Speaking of black people... let me talk about climate change for a minute

Moderator: We're talking about black people

Sanders: You know what's interesting about black people? Their climate...

Amy Klobuchar is the first to pull out an MLK quote.

If you guessed it wasn't the one about white moderates, you're right

Pete Buttigieg has a grab bag of "presidential" phrases but they don't really mean anything.

"As an American, I believe in justice and fairness. This is why we must use the olive branch of liberty to achieve inequality!"

Nigga we're talking about foreign policy!

Joe Biden is the dude who didn't work on the group project but takes all the credit.

He talks about the Obama Administration like people from Boston talk about the Patriots. Talmbout what "we" did.

Ain't no "we."

Obama was Tom Brady and you were the third string punter!

They haven't asked Kamala or Cory a single question. This is racist!

Oh, wait...

I'm starting to like Yang more... I think I might send him a donation.

A necktie

Amy Klobuchar and Pete Buttigieg must've learned from the same handbook of mayonnaise phrases.

It's like a piece of toast debating a crouton

This debate is so unseasoned

Did Bernie Sanders just say the place "where power resides" is not with white or black or male or female or young or old?

Where the fuck is that America?

Amy Klobuchar told @Trevornoah's whole joke. I hope he sends her a speechwriting invoice.

Elizabeth Warren told her own joke AND she's rocking the "just-got-my-ears-pierced-at-the-mall-kiosk" earrings.

I've never heard white people fight about who's the brokest.

This is so ghetto.

If you want to see America encapsulated, it is this:

A bunch of white people talking about how money corrupts politics after they kicked the black people out of the room for not having enough money.

"This president is not against immigration. He is against immigration bu non-whites."

Bravo

Pete Buttigieg is for reparations!

Not for black people, but still...

"I support LOOKING at a bill that studies reparations."

Everyone knows 400 years isn't enough time to decide

Moderator: Do you support reparations?

Biden: Let me talk about immigration

Klobuchar: Let me continue the conversation about reparations by talking about experience

Buttigieg: Well if you wanna talk about the 1st amendment

Moderator: Great conversation on reparations!

Ask anyone with student loans if they'd be willing to let billionaires kids go to school free if they could also get free tuition.

Pete Buttigieg begins every answer with: This question is very personal to me.

Imma start doing this to bull collectors.

This student loan payment is very personal to me. Yesterday a talked to a young child named Ben. Ben can’t afford his medicine. I feel Ben

Wait... Elizabeth Warren's plan to stop violence against transgender women is to READ NAMES?

Sounds legit.

Moderator: Joe Biden, did you lie about Afghanistan?

Biden: What?

Moderator: The war in Afghanistan!

Biden: I'm against war.

Moderator: But did you lie about it?

Biden: I just told you I was against it.

Moderator: The lie?

Biden: Yes, I am against lying.

Moderator: Cool.

We should give Biden and Sanders knives, let them fight about health care and then use each of their plans at the hospital.

Whoever doesn't die, wins.

Andrew Yang is stumped by this Christmas question. To be fair, he doesn't know what to say because he's never heard a question so stupid.

Did Chuck Todd write this question?

Elizabeth keeps mentioning selfies like they're votes or...

Wait.. Guys

I think Elizabeth Warren is gonna put a two-cent tax on selfies!

Joe Biden says people beg him for help.

Wait... guys... Is Joe Biden Batman?

Did Joe Biden just mock someone's stutter?

This old man is SO fucking stupid!

Amy Klobuchar has a very emotional message:

"Bring people together."

How original.

Seriously, though. If Tom Steyer was president and Pete Buttigieg were vice president...

Of an insurance company...

I'd buy the fuck out of their term life policies

Tom Steyer closing statement:

"I'm running because corporations have bought our government and I've built a multi-billion dollar corporation. I'm the only person on stage who can afford to buy the government back."

Andrew Yang closing statement:

"Washington makes stupid decisions and I should know... I worked in Washington."

Amy Klobuchar:

"If you're tired of politicians saying crazy things, vote for me. I PROMISE I won't say anything of substance."

Pete Buttigieg: We are going through a "crisis of belonging."

If you don't know what that means, neither do I. But you gotta admit, it sounds impressive as fuck. Plus, I furrowed my brow. It's been a while since we had a good, brow-furrowing president.

Anyway... thanks.

Elizabeth Warren:

I'm not working for billionaires, but first, let me do a prime time commercial for Amazon and the richest man on earth.

Bernie Sanders:

You want real change? Vote for me. At the very least, I won't mock someone's stutter like this next idiot.

Damn, I can't believe he did that!

Joe Biden:

I've gotten a lot of things done when I let Barack Obama bask in my shadow for eight years. He was aight. God bless you, merry Christmas, fuck Trump.

Fin.


You can follow @michaelharriot.



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