michaelharriot+ Your Authors @michaelharriot Sr. Writer at theroot.com/, board-certified Wypipologist, master race-baiter. His pen is mightier than your sword. Last real Negus alive Jan. 15, 2020 4 min read + Your Authors

This is my official debate live-tweet thread:

Biden's entire argument is: The Bush Administration said they weren't going to go to war, which is why I gave them the authority to go to war.

Amy Klobuchar is right. She wasn't for the Iraq War.

She was too busy locking up black people in the War on Drugs

Amy Klobuchar: We should be talking about Trump

Wolf Blitzer: That's not what we're talking about right now, tho...

Pete Buttigieg: I'm just gonna fill a bullshit balloon with words that mean nothing.

Warren: You know what's interesting about the troops?

Climate change.

The correct answer is: NO One is prepared to be Commander in Chief. That's why I'll choose ppl who know what TF is going on and listen to them

Anyone who says they're ready to be Commander in Chief because they talked to troops or traveled, isn't ready to be Commander in Chief.

I wish Andrew Yang was there. He'd probably say that we need to get out of Iraq but leave killer robots programmed with a sympathetic, humane algorithm and save our soldiers for important things like delivering monthly reparations checks.

Pete does have that fresh edge-up though. He must've gone to a black barber...

We'll know tomorrow when he announces an endorsement from the proprietor of Fresh Cutz on MLK drive in Blackpeopleville, Iowa

We're talking about Joe Biden's vote on the Iraq War but no one has asked why he authorized the great Corn Pop War of 1956

Here is the most important question the moderators are ignoring:

Why does Tom Steyer have only one tie?

Sanders keep bringing up climate change as if there's gonna be a climate when Donald Trump is done.

I love that Elizabeth Warren raises her hands when she wants to speak. It's so polite.

That's gonna work so well against Donald Trump

Everyone says they're gonna do a lot of shit on his first day.

You know they're actually going to take a nap.

Bernie Sanders: She's lying

But I don't wanna spend a whole lot of time on this bullshit lie, I just wanna make sure you know she's a cotdayum lie.

Elizabeth Warren: When I allowed him to come to my drum circle and smoke a peace pipe, the ancestors told me he said it.

Women are so important. One of the greatest examples is when Kansas' female governor beat Kris Kobach, whose name is...Umm...I don't know

Elizabeth Warren has these motherfuckers doing math!

Wait... Drake has his own university?

I'm finally gonna get my PhD in Emo rap!

This is the part of the debate where they argue about their individual healthcare plans that are 99 percent alike.

If w had to use one of those vending machines where you manipulate a 3-pronged claw to grab a random healthcare plan, it would STILL be better than what we have now

As a matter of fact, I'm voting for whomever advocates for claw-based healthcare

Amy Klobuchar and Pete Buttigieg don't recognize the irony of talking about the deficit and healthcare 15 minutes after they discussed the Defense Department's unlimited Kill Brown Foreigners budget

Joe Biden is about to claim he created Obamacare in 5...4...3...2...

Again... If you let MY CHILDREN go to college for free, I DO NOT CARE ABOUT rich kids getting a free education!

This is a strawman argument. Millionaires are 3 percent of the population. It's stupid to not give 97 percent of people an opportunity because you're worried about 3 percent of people.

Plus if rich, white college kids don't go to college, who's gonna buy all the cocaine?

Mod: What would you do about farm & factory floods?

Pete: We have to fight climate change. One time I had to stop a flood with nothing but a ziploc bag and a bobby pin. In Australia, kangaroos are drowning, so we...

Moderator: But what would you DO?

Pete: Two words: Nut thing

Bernie thinks corporations cause ALL problems

How do we fix income inequality?
Bernie: Tax corporations

How do we solve racism?
Bernie: The REAL problem is corporations

Who killed Tupac?
Bernie: Corporations

Wait...

I think "corporations" is a code word for "white people"

"Of all South Bend's black elected officials who have endorsed someone in this race, they're supporting me."

He's talking about TWO people.

Pro tip: When you can name all your black supporters in 45 seconds...

You ain't got no black support, dawg.

I've met more people who smoke crystal meth than people who support Amy Klobuchar

Also, I've never met anyone who smokes crystal meth.

I HAVE met a Tom Steyer supporter, though. He was pretty cool.

His name was Tom Steyer.

Closing statements

Amy Klobuchar: I've never lost. Don't fuck up my record.

Tom Steyer: I'm 3 percent in the polls. You need $20?

Pete Buttigieg: Break from the past. Join me. look at these old motherfuckers.

Elizabeth Warren: I'mma have my own debate about all the marginalized people we didn't talk about. But my heart is filled with hope for the future. Also...

Bernie be lying, yo.

Bernie: How did our country get here? How did this happen?

I know this is my fourth decade as one of the most powerful men in the institution that literally makes the laws, but does anyone know how we got here?

Joe Biden: Vote for Joe Biden and you will be rewarded.

You can't touch this.


You can follow @michaelharriot.



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