The Onion+ Your Authors @TheOnion America's Finest News Source. Feb. 09, 2020 2 min read + Your Authors

The Onion’s Guide To The 2020 Oscars: Best Actors  #Oscars

Leonardo DiCaprio's career high is being handsome and successful continuously throughout his entire life.  #Oscars

Adam Driver's greatest achievement is gamely putting up with the 'Star Wars' franchise.  #Oscars

Joaquin Phoenix's acting skill level is good, but he’s no River. There will never be another River.  #Oscars

Oscars Fun Fact: With 'The Two Popes,' Johnathan Pryce is now one of only three actors to portray all 266 popes on screen.  #Oscars

Antonio Banderas's best physical feature are his perfect feet that you can’t help but want to suck on.  #Oscars

The Onion’s Guide To The 2020 Oscars: Best Actresses  #Oscars

Scarlett Johansson most notable role is convincingly portraying a loving partner to Colin Jost.  #Oscars

Saoirse Ronan's career dream is to become the first actor to play a precocious 70-something.  #Oscars

Renée Zellweger looks more like a Lizzie or a Maggie.  #Oscars

Charlize Theron's real name is Charles Entertainment Cheese.  #Oscars

Cynthia Erivo's expected acceptance speech: How existential ethnography can change the shape of Jewish studies research.  #Oscars

The Onion’s Guide To The 2020 Oscars: Best Directors  #Oscars

Quentin Tarantino's career highlight was getting to work with big-time Hollywood producer Harvey Weinstein.  #Oscars

Recurring themes in Martin Scorcese's films: masculinity, religious guilt, mortadella.  #Oscars

Bong Joon-ho's filmmaking style is to allow the actors to ad lib the entire film, then passive aggressively display better dialogue along the bottom of the screen.  #Oscars

Sam Mendes is notable for trying to warn us about Kevin Spacey with 'American Beauty' (1999).  #Oscars

Todd Phillips' favorite Joker is Jared Leto.  #Oscars

Director nominations for Greta Gerwig: Oh, whoops, this is embarrassing.  #Oscars

The Onion’s Guide To The 2020 Oscars: Best Pictures  #Oscars

‘Marriage Story’ is about a married couple that goes through a bitter acting contest.  #Oscars

‘Parasite’ has the best chance of any non-English-language film to win Best Picture since 'Goodfellas.'  #Oscars

‘Little Women’ is about four sisters who wonder if they can have it all while simultaneously juggling expectations of womanhood in both the 1860s and 2019.  #Oscars

The defining line from ‘Once Upon A Time In Hollywood': “What do you think of that Sharon Tate girl? Pretty alive, right?”  #Oscars

‘Ford V. Ferrari’ is a shoo-in for best picture after winning Best Car Film at the American Auto Awards in 2020.  #Oscars

‘1917’ follows two desperate soldiers in an alternate reality where WWII never happened.  #Oscars

Defining line from ‘Joker’: “Outside, I look sad. And inside, I am also sad. But if I make my outside look happy, my inside will be happy. I’m insane!”  #Oscars

The prospects of ‘The Irishman’ Best Picture winning are already covered under Scorsese’s lifetime achievement award.  #Oscars

‘JoJo Rabbit’ is about a member of the Hitler Youth who discovers how easy it is to use fun gags to get audiences to sympathize with the people conducting the Holocaust.  #Oscars

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