The Onion @TheOnion America's Finest News Source. Feb. 09, 2020 2 min read

The Onion’s Guide To The 2020 Oscars: Best Actors  https://trib.al/VGuazXY  #Oscars

Leonardo DiCaprio's career high is being handsome and successful continuously throughout his entire life.  https://trib.al/PJETWve  #Oscars

Adam Driver's greatest achievement is gamely putting up with the 'Star Wars' franchise.  https://trib.al/PJETWve  #Oscars

Joaquin Phoenix's acting skill level is good, but he’s no River. There will never be another River.  https://trib.al/PJETWve  #Oscars

Oscars Fun Fact: With 'The Two Popes,' Johnathan Pryce is now one of only three actors to portray all 266 popes on screen.  https://trib.al/PJETWve  #Oscars

Antonio Banderas's best physical feature are his perfect feet that you can’t help but want to suck on.  https://trib.al/PJETWve  #Oscars

The Onion’s Guide To The 2020 Oscars: Best Actresses  https://trib.al/U65KUn7  #Oscars

Scarlett Johansson most notable role is convincingly portraying a loving partner to Colin Jost.  https://trib.al/U65KUn7  #Oscars

Saoirse Ronan's career dream is to become the first actor to play a precocious 70-something.  https://trib.al/U65KUn7  #Oscars

Renée Zellweger looks more like a Lizzie or a Maggie.  https://trib.al/U65KUn7  #Oscars

Charlize Theron's real name is Charles Entertainment Cheese.  https://trib.al/U65KUn7  #Oscars

Cynthia Erivo's expected acceptance speech: How existential ethnography can change the shape of Jewish studies research.  https://trib.al/U65KUn7  #Oscars

The Onion’s Guide To The 2020 Oscars: Best Directors  https://trib.al/HZZV1TF  #Oscars

Quentin Tarantino's career highlight was getting to work with big-time Hollywood producer Harvey Weinstein.  https://trib.al/HZZV1TF  #Oscars

Recurring themes in Martin Scorcese's films: masculinity, religious guilt, mortadella.  https://trib.al/HZZV1TF  #Oscars

Bong Joon-ho's filmmaking style is to allow the actors to ad lib the entire film, then passive aggressively display better dialogue along the bottom of the screen.  https://trib.al/HZZV1TF  #Oscars

Sam Mendes is notable for trying to warn us about Kevin Spacey with 'American Beauty' (1999).  https://trib.al/HZZV1TF  #Oscars

Todd Phillips' favorite Joker is Jared Leto.  https://trib.al/HZZV1TF  #Oscars

Director nominations for Greta Gerwig: Oh, whoops, this is embarrassing.  https://trib.al/HZZV1TF  #Oscars

The Onion’s Guide To The 2020 Oscars: Best Pictures  https://trib.al/8DsFC8y  #Oscars

‘Marriage Story’ is about a married couple that goes through a bitter acting contest.  https://trib.al/8DsFC8y  #Oscars

‘Parasite’ has the best chance of any non-English-language film to win Best Picture since 'Goodfellas.'  https://trib.al/8DsFC8y  #Oscars

‘Little Women’ is about four sisters who wonder if they can have it all while simultaneously juggling expectations of womanhood in both the 1860s and 2019.  https://trib.al/8DsFC8y  #Oscars

The defining line from ‘Once Upon A Time In Hollywood': “What do you think of that Sharon Tate girl? Pretty alive, right?”  https://trib.al/8DsFC8y  #Oscars

‘Ford V. Ferrari’ is a shoo-in for best picture after winning Best Car Film at the American Auto Awards in 2020.  https://trib.al/8DsFC8y  #Oscars

‘1917’ follows two desperate soldiers in an alternate reality where WWII never happened.  https://trib.al/8DsFC8y  #Oscars

Defining line from ‘Joker’: “Outside, I look sad. And inside, I am also sad. But if I make my outside look happy, my inside will be happy. I’m insane!”  https://trib.al/8DsFC8y  #Oscars

The prospects of ‘The Irishman’ Best Picture winning are already covered under Scorsese’s lifetime achievement award.  https://trib.al/8DsFC8y  #Oscars

‘JoJo Rabbit’ is about a member of the Hitler Youth who discovers how easy it is to use fun gags to get audiences to sympathize with the people conducting the Holocaust.  https://trib.al/8DsFC8y  #Oscars


You can follow @TheOnion.



Bookmark

____
Tip: mention @threader_app on a Twitter thread with the keyword “compile” to get a link to it.

Enjoy Threader? Sign up.

Threader is an independent project created by only two developers. The site gets 500,000+ visits a month and our iOS Twitter client was featured as an App of the Day by Apple. Running this space is expensive and time consuming. If you find Threader useful, please consider supporting us to make it a sustainable project.