Note: This thread is related to #Coronavirus #COVID19

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Colleen Farrell, MD+ Your Authors @colleenmfarrell Internal medicine resident in New York City. Soon-to-be pulmonary and critical care fellow. Writer. Creator of @MedHumChat. Views mine. Jun. 08, 2020 1 min read + Your Authors

As residency draws to a close for me, I’m realizing I am grieving. I spent the last few months either in our Covid ICU or home on jeopardy, waiting to be called in if needed. 1/  https://www.washingtonpost.com/health/2020/06/07/health-care-workers-coronavirus-burnout/ 

Oscillating between these extremes, my normal sense of community was so fragmented. Yes, there were options for connecting on zoom for process groups and learning, but while home on jeopardy it was so hard to motivate myself to join 2/

When I was at work, I was often in the ICU overnight with PAs and attendings from all over the country. They were great, but they weren’t my residency community. When the complained (appropriately) about things about our hospital, it was hard to not feel defensive 3/

The worst part was seeing so many people die, or almost die, without their families there. I’m not going retraumatize myself and pull at your heartstrings with another tragic story. You know the kinds of stories, and they’re all swirling in my mind. 4/

Realizing how short on supplies and equipment we were trying to save lives, while we now see the incredibly well funded police attacking people in the streets... I truly cannot yet find words to express my horror. 5/

I’ve been debating whether I should share these feelings. But as I wade through this heaviness that I beleive is grief, I suspect I’m not alone. There were many articles expressing concern about HCW mental health a few months ago 6/

And I suspect many healthcare workers are like me in that adrenaline powers us through and the feelings come after. It’s a strange way to finish residency, feeling so heavy-hearted and disconnected in a way zoom can’t fix. 7/

Since I’m still wading through, I don’t have a way to tie this up with a bow. But I do feel being honest with myself is a starting place for healing. 8/8


You can follow @colleenmfarrell.



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