Corey Quinn
+ Your AuthorsArchive @QuinnyPig Chief Cloud Economist at @DuckbillGroup. Father to @QuinnyPiglet & @theMunchQuinn. he/him Get my snarky take on AWS news: Jul. 08, 2020 5 min read

What's the exact opposite of a good time? Watching @Oracle's Larry Ellison give a live webinar. That's right; it's time for a livetwoot thread!  if you want to follow along.

Instead of following @awscloud's approach of bribing the reInvent House Band with AWS credits, @Oracle licensed Specta (Deepfunk Remix) as their pre-show video music.

Oracle is very good at licensing law.

Ooh, @akelman starts us off. He's Oracle's CMO, but used to run @awscloud's Global Marketing.

So far this episode of MTV Cribs sucks.

Note the @zoom_us branding.

Now, they're offering @OracleCloud @ Customer. (OCI on premises, kinda.) This is, to be direct, compelling for customers. Seriously. Talk to a few of them before rushing to judgement.

Already starting with the @awscloud comparisons.

"We'll have more regions" is really not the angle to take on these. Yikes.

"@OracleCloud is in specific data retention jurisdictions they're not" is the way more compelling narrative.

"This is actual consumption--real dollars spent."

I can think offhand of three examples how I'd doctor that figure.

Now listing customers!

We start with @zoom_us and a quote from @ericsyuan, who suddenly finds himself the prettiest person at the Cloud Vendor dance.

7 Petabytes a day moving through @oraclecloud by Zoom.

No matter how you slice it, that's an economic win.

Ooh, "a company called @8x8" is a subtle ding against the 8x8 brand. "Moved entirely from @awscloud to @oraclecloud, saved 80% on network egress cost."

Whether @oraclecloud realizes it or not, the future looks a lot more like "customers migrating in who aren't Oracle database customers" than other Oracle business units believe. This is a long term trend that there's no reversing.

Ooh, an HPC story that applies to industry instead of academia.

These stories are resonating.

TIL that Larry pronounces turbines as "turbans."

It is now item 40,734 on the list of things to despise him for.

Whenever you start a customer story with an ERP migration, it's going to end in tears.

This slide becomes far stronger if you REMOVE "including Exadata CS" from it. I'm not joking.

Ooh, @CERN! They're attempting to study the formation of black holes in the hopes of finding something that sucks harder than a @oracle license audit.

And now their new thing.

Larry explains what "this new technology called machine learning" is. I could mock it but honestly? He's doing a better job than any @awscloud keynote I've ever seen on the topic.

"Here are three differently problematic things with horrifying failure modes."

Data Guard is new. It prevents loss of access to data from site failure. We'll see, won't we.

Hidden Database, Stolen Cycles is one of those foreign key films, isn't it?

"We manage all of this stuff for you." Well yeah, so did GeoCities. At some point you want or need the knobs and dials. The capability (if real) is promising, the messaging falls flat.

"This will take your job away" to the exact folks that will need to champion this kind of product kinda seems to be to be a counterproductive narrative, but I am a simple country Cloud Economist, not a big city Oracle marketer.

Okay, nope nope nope.

1. It was a @CapitalOne breach, not an @awscloud breach.
2. It was a sophisticated attack, not a boneheaded mistake.
3. You sure did lose a lot of customer data yourselves last month to be picking this fight, @oracle. 

Shit-tier messaging like this means that the entire product gets tainted by it. Ugh.

Excuse me, @awscloud's premier Route53 database offers a 100% SLA.

Everything Larry is saying right now about Autonomous databases cuts against this @oraclecloud market opportunity:

I will accept these definitions.

Holy shit I can't make this up. One of Larry's household staff wandered into the frame to remove Larry's plate.

It's like the unsympathetic version of someone's kids entering the shot. Wow.

Okay, "cutting your @awscloud database bill in half by choosing Oracle" sounds like something you pitch to customers only after you rename "Oracle."

I used to be able to do this, then @oracle bought KSplice and killed it for the rest of us.

"I have invented database replication and failover."

"Here's a big announcement of which only people deep into our ecosystem will grasp the import" works if you're @awscloud, works less well if you're @oraclecloud.

He just talked about @Oracle Autonomous Linux, why's he talking about Gentoo now?

"If you want to move data from on-prem into the public cloud you can--you don't have to!"

Wow, something @oracle says you can choose rather than dictating to you what you must do.

"Oracle engineers show up, upgrade your hardware, migrate your data for you."

$5 says they don't wipe their feet and track mud everywhere.

Entel is a great customer reference, but only if you say their name out loud. The jig is up if you have to write it down.

Ooh, persistent memory--the thing @oracle sincerely hopes its existing customers lack when it comes to remembering the audits of yesteryear.

A dedicated region is a new thing. "Nobody in the world has anything like this."

Uh, okay. This makes AzureStack and AWS Outposts look like comparative toys.

This is the equivalent of "JEDI / the IC cloud" for the rest of us in @oraclecloud land.

The giant open question: what's the minimum buy? I mean, @awscloud will apparently do this for multi-billion dollar contracts.

Uh, it's only $500K a month minimum to run this.

This translates into "nobody gives a poop" money for basically this thing's entire target market.

I can't say whether or not this is true, as @awscloud / @joshuaseattle stubbornly refuse to install one in my living room.

It rings false to me.

Okay, Larry has said "there's no way around it sending your data to @awscloud" enough times that I'm convinced it's a lie.

Turns out, it's half true. There are cases where Outposts won't suffice.

You can follow @QuinnyPig.


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